Dr. Tonnesen (the radiation oncologist) gave a great analogy this morning. Cancer cells are like dandelion seeds in the wind.  Some seeds land on fertile soil and begin to grow immediately, some land in less accessible areas and take time and effort to grow and some land on asphalt to die.   If you have one dandelion growing in your yard, you can target it to eliminate it.  Once you have many dandelions, you are most likely to spray the whole yard to get rid of them.   That is what the whole brain radiation is supposed to do to the cancer cells.  (Personally, I generally choose to dig out my yard full of dandelions because I don’t feel comfortable spraying but the analogy doesn’t hold for this choice.  Can you imagine identifying and treating each individual cancer cell? That would be brutal.  For some reason, this helps me to see the wisdom in doing whole brain radiation.)
The plan is that Mom will get ten treatments (consecutive days except for weekends) where they radiate each side of her head for thirty seconds in the area above her eyes and ears.  So, a total of 60 seconds every day. This procedure excludes the hippocampus to avoid affecting memory.   She will be able to drive unless a side effect appears or she is too fatigued.  Some possible side effects are permanent hair loss, temporary reddening of the scalp, fatigue, and chemo-brain which can be temporary or permanent.  Understandably, Mom is most concerned about permanently “losing her marbles” as she puts it.  She will go in on June Second to prepare for the procedure and then they should start treatments sometime that week.
We spent the day together getting her prepared and organized and now she is busy packing for her visit to David’s tomorrow morning.  I am sure that she will enjoy the time with David & family and the beautiful, pastoral space up there.  I think that having some distance from all of the busyness and demands will be a welcome change.   Up there, it just seems easier to take deep cleansing breaths.
Peace and joy, Karen
 
 
 

To paraphrase, Dr. Heyer (the oncologist) tries to send the message that Mom is not the results of the tests that she took on Tuesday.  Mom looks good and sounds good.  She rebounded from the post-chemo side effects quickly this time around and has had a very busy, active week.  She turned in her Spirit Windows, second-and-spruced-up edition yesterday!  Her only health concern this morning worth noting were swollen ankles and feet in the last couple of days.  But, the reports that we met to discuss didn’t reflect all of this positive activity and wellness that Mom is living.  Nope.  Instead, the MRI shows that she has multiple tiny tumors in her brain that are splattered like paint throughout different areas of her brain.   The tumor that she had zapped last July is now twice the size at 10 mm.  The PET scan shows no conclusive growth or change in her lungs or bones and absolutely no sign of metastases in her liver or adrenal glands which is the good news.   She has finished up all the chemotherapy that can be offered to her and that doesn’t address the brain anyway.  The next step will be whole brain radiation.  We will meet with the radiation oncologist tomorrow morning to learn more and schedule the procedures but just the term gives me the heebie-jeebies.   You all know how fearless and brave Ann is.   She accepts the whole brain radiation as the reasonable next necessary step.
Our next stop is to get an ultrasound a couple of buildings away in order to rule out a blood clot in her legs.  The results are positive for a small blood clot in her left calf which explains the pain and swelling.   We returned to Dr. Heyer’s office to find out what his recommendation is for treatment.   He eliminates the choice to do nothing, the choice for a full dose of blood thinner because we don’t want the tumors in her brain to bleed, and the choice to insert a vascular filter into the vena cava because the tumor is small and BELOW the knee which means it is much less likely to travel to her lungs.  The final determination is that she will go on low dose blood thinner, Lovenox, which she has to self-administer as a daily injection.  Being the fearless and brave Ann, she sticks the needle into the side of her leg before we leave the office to reassure the nurse and herself that she can do it.
So, the news from today wasn’t the best but Mom continues to do well and be well.  It really is important to use the test results as a tool but they do not define or describe her.  She is so much more!
One of us will report back with any additional news from the radiation oncologist.  She will be busy preparing for her visit to David’s on Saturday.  We just keep moving forward…
Karen
 

I mistakenly put the wrong dates in for the repeat online retreat course “Holy Interruptions.”  It will be Friday, June 6 – Sunday June 8.  Another example of chemo brain … or perhaps age!

The past few weeks have produced cause for questions and naturally some accompanying anxiety. Easter Saturday followed my last blog and was an expected ‘low day’ since it was chemo week (4/15) but more surprising was my discovering that the next day I felt unwell enough to need to leave the Easter service half-way through. That was a first; I’ve never had to leave anything. I rested and went to Karen’s for brunch which was a treat and helped to raise my spirits. I rallied enough to once again make the trip to Blue Ridge Summit the next weekend. Two days later (4/29) I felt well enough to attempt pickleball after many weeks of absence! Thoroughly enjoyed it and was the recipient of much understanding. Wasn’t as winded as I expected either. A super discovery!! Then came Wednesday, the next day, when I awoke too dizzy to walk around the bed without wobbling. Had a few semi-falls in the bathroom as I veered from door to sink and back to bedroom. The whole day was spent in a state of vertigo, lightheadedness, and weakness….staggering around and …. worrying. The 4mm. lesion on my cerebellum is the part of the brain responsible for balance !  Was this a sign that I had moved from stability to activity? That was the day I was to go to Shalem and review the online retreat with colleagues; obviously I cancelled. That night I went to sleep hoping I wouldn’t waken with more of same! Fortunately I didn’t. And on Thursday it was a gorgeous day and the Shalem folk came to me. I had energy and could think a bit clearer! By Saturday (5/3) I  was ready for more pickleball so gave it another try – successfully and again with less breathlessness. 🙂 My major difficulties have been with increasing mental confusion (forgetfulness and thoughtlessness and word loss), visual difficulties that halt reading or computer work, and the annoying constant nose dripping. Wondering if all that was going on would preclude me (by my choice or the doctor’s) from having chemo on 5/6, I shared my personal information with the office; was told to come in early for consultation but to come prepared for chemo. So that meant taking all the prep meds and getting wired up at night.
Consultation results: Since my staggering day episode was in the middle of the chemo cycle (“nadir”) it is possible that I was dehydrated and that could have brought forth such an outcome. That is when there is a low blood count and I might be predisposed toward  lightheadedness. Also, if the cause were the lesion it would most likely be occurring more frequently. No side effects from the chemical taxotere show anything like I had. Vision maybe, and chemo brain definitely. I had my 17th infusion on Tuesday (5/6) and have appointments on the next “would be chemo day” (5/20) for a PET-CT scan in a.m. and an MRI of the brain in the p.m.  Then on 5/22 I will meet with Dr. Heyer to review the results and see where we go from there. Hopefully there will be nothing dire observed and stability will remain.
Immediately after that I have a bit of time off – don’t know what’s next because I’ve had the maximum number of treatments for 3 drugs. Dr. Heyer says he still has some things up his sleeve though. 🙂  Primarily we will “watch closely.”
Two days later (Saturday 5/24) I will be flying to MA to visit David’s family, returning Sunday, 6/1 and pick up with my Xgeva injection which has been postponed. I am more than eager to visit them since it’s been 6 months. It will be a bit cooler than I’d like but I’ll be avoiding the increasing heat and humidity here.  And David tantalized me by saying, if you come up sooner …”There’s this quintessentially small-town America 2-block parade,” and you could be here over Memorial Day. Ashfield is a charming town, praised by Barbara Kingsolver in her book Animal, Vegetable, Miracle.  
And so I moved my projected dates up a week or two.  That will be nice in that it will space the time between visits when Lily and Naomi will be coming to Virginia the end of July/beginning of August for two weeks. We’ll have some time at the Summit house and with Karen’s family (prior to Kate’s departure for UVA as a freshman!). The girls will be sharing time with Laura’s family too. I am very excited about  their opportunity then to attend a week’s free camp in Maine for children who have lost a parent. It is a program called “Circle of Tapawingo” and you can Google their video showing the kind of sharing and fellowship that comes with common backgrounds, being able to be honest and open up to feelings. They will also be able to return each year. Quite a camp! This is something that they will both profit from, I feel sure. It’s been almost six years since Laura died.
I apologize to all of you whose calls I’ve missed by being off on some jaunt/errand/appointment or maybe out-like-a-light in the lazy boy!  Or dazed from next-to-no-sleep the first three days of chemo when the anti-nausea drug causes me to be wired till three or four in the morning!  Also, I have truly been in over my head with things to do that normally seem ordinary, but my speed is slower than slow. I continue to be disturbed by the amount of time it takes for me to comprehend something or to remember it. I have missed activities that I wanted to attend or paid good money for – due to memory. Two things were fortunately a week ahead of what I’d jotted down! but one was a day late which grieved me: the Chef’s Dinner this past week…. I just wasn’t in sync with any of my gadgets or paper and forgot. I have now dug out my magnetic calendar and put it on the fridge door, compiling all that comes from the four sources that are never quite synched!  Now I can see my schedule in front of me! Yes, I forget to look; I’ve relied too much on a good memory.
On the positive side – for which I am MOST grateful, I have had more energy to tackle things around here (organizing and rearranging) as well as the Spirit Windows editing which I’ve promised to be completed by Memorial Day!  I find myself unable to function efficiently when things are turned upside down among my surroundings, so this has been a joy to experience. Shalem will be pleased as they are hoping to bring it out in the fall.
The online retreat day through Shalem was received quite well and the review convinced them to offer it again – heads up!  on Friday, June 4 through Sunday, June 6.  So if you missed it last month, here is another chance! You can take as much or little time with it as you like and organize it for any part of those three days.  (There are 4 parts.)  Access is through www.shalem.org  – go to Store for “Holy Interruptions.”
Hummingbirds!  I have waited and waited for them but my ‘nectar’ turned cloudy and was refused.  Put out fresh this week and on Monday afternoon 2 birds finally found it!  But – it has turned cloudy again and I’ve seen no more. 🙁   Why? sugar and water 1 to 4, same as always. BUT – my little sister from college days was here from CO and is an expert on – bee balm!  She sent me three plants which are thriving out on the patio and should bloom in bright red e’er long, I hope, and bring back those little hummers!  I have no green thumb but am trying not to forget the water – for them and for me!
As you might imagine the past year has found me drawn to many books that deal with spirituality, life, death, love, suffering, blessing, and so on.  First I will share with you a blessing from John O’Donohue, a favorite who died way too soon but who left a legacy of words for us all.
Blessed be the longing that brought you here
And quickens your soul with wonder.
May you have the courage to listen to the voice of desire
That disturbs you when you have settled for something safe.
May you have the wisdom to enter generously into your own unease
To discover the new direction your longing wants you to take.
May the forms of your belonging – in love, creativity, and friendship –
Be equal to the grandeur and the call of your soul.
May the one you long for long for  you.
May your dreams gradually reveal the destination of your desire.
May secret Providence guide your thought and nurture your feeling.
May your mind inhabit your life with the sureness with which
your body inhabits the world.
May your heart never be haunted by ghost-structures of old damage.
May you come to accept your longing as divine urgency.
May you know the urgency with which God longs for you.

– John O’Donohue

Following is an entry from today’s daily meditations by Richard Rohr that moved me greatly. It may not suit your personal beliefs but he has been an incredible inspiration to me and to many of my friends for his fresh way of explaining old phrases and words that can be found troubling or unclear.  His willingness to be vulnerable and honest and totally accepting of all is such a gift to me.
No Exceptions
I shall try to post another entry soon after any news from the scan and MRI. For now, please be with me in the mental confusion and fatigue of the coming 10-12 days when hopefully there will be no repeat of last month’s ‘episodic day.’   Love to all….

I write this blog with blurry and bleary eyes as my vision has been troubling me from the chemo for the past month. I use lots of artificial tears. Eyelids stick together, and the ointment at night doesn’t seem to wear off by morning. All doctors say it is from the chemo. But I’m soon due for a break from the chemotherapy – one more treatment scheduled,  I get the 17th treatment in three weeks – it’s been a year. I was told that for tolerance of chemo I am in the 90%ile of those my age with this diagnosis, not quitting after just two! Yesterday Dr. Heyer called me a rock star for chemo!  Very nice to hear, especially when I’m in the few-days-after-chemo stage of muscle fatigue and weakness, weariness, and blurred vision!
Other good news this week was discovering that my white blood cells had recovered completely – and to an all time high! So I don’t need to be as cautious about contracting colds, viruses, infections, etc.
CT Scan: There is a tiny but stable pleural effusion….remaining from the surgery last year but contributes to my breathlessness after exertion (walking or talking!). As a result I haven’t played pickleball for weeks due to huffing and puffing. There is a new “non-specific” density being observed in mid-lung, probably inflammation. The previously noted lymph node under arm has enlarged but isn’t a concern at present.  Thankfully the bone metastases are stable and have not changed.  🙂
I am now off of decahedron except when a chemo week… which means I will have more breathlessness.  However, steroids are known for their multiple bad side effects and I’m no longer having those irritating coughing attacks and congestion. So we’ll see.
My third week of the chemo cycle was not as “up” last week as I’d hoped, which could be from this chemo not continuing to be effective.  Will determine in three weeks if one more, then a PET scan, and then – – – a planned holiday from chemo for part of the summer!  I hope to be with David’s family in the Berkshire, MA foothills in early June, then I get to attend my granddaughter Kate’s graduation at Constitution Hall.  Can’t believe it!  And the following week my “Danny Grad” friends from ’55 will be gathering for a reunion at a retreat center in Marriottsville, MD for four days. Wasn’t sure last year this time that I could count on this event!!
Thank you – so many of you – for your thoughtful messages, cards, and calls. I’m definitely in ‘low gear’ a lot of the time but am trying to rev up some energy to address the many odds and ends of tasks that always seem to confront me. My spirits are good as long as I’m not overwhelmed with all the boxes, piles, and desires that have stacked up in my head. The lazyboy beckons way too often!
With the observation of holy days this week, I am enclosing a lovely song that originates in Guatemala and has come by way of the Iona Community in Scotland.
27 The Peace of the Earth be with you, the peace of the heavens too;
the peace of the rivers be with you, the peace of the oceans too.
Deep peace falling over you.  God’s peace growing in you.
Peace to all…..
 
 

                Unfortunately I’ve reversed the usual phrase and am learning that I have little capacity to  place “mind over matter!”  Either age has trumped my brain cells or I have succumbed to chemo brain, probably a bit of both.  Very discouraging not to be able to pull up names, words, and titles that are ordinary in my lexicon or normal memory.  Just drawing a blank. Then a few weeks ago I went to a dance here and got tongue-tied (imagine!!) when attempting to converse!  ….finally had to stop trying.  Maybe the dance music or its volume was interfering with my brain cells and concentration!  Anyway I am relieved that it doesn’t happen more often than it does.
Another disturbance is vision: blurred distance vision one night yet clear the next!  The ophthalmologist says I must use ointment in my eyes at bedtime for lubrication. How can one read in bed that way?!!   Cataracts are no longer “babies,” but not serious; chemo is drying out corneas; and macular degeneration causes some of the distortion.  I will have new lenses next week, which sounds wonderful; perhaps reading the newspaper won’t be such a strain.
This was chemo week and so today, Saturday, is ebb time when I sink downhill for the weekend. Energy sapped, reduced appetite, vision difficulty, some spinal pain, and such.  But by Monday things should begin to reverse themselves. Karen reminds me of the treatment cycle…. which I naturally resist accepting. The coming week is full with my friend Erika’s 80th birthday party in Baltimore (also an Erickson community), my monthly X-geva injection for bone protection, help coming from cleaning woman, a welcome visit from a friend I met at Pendle Hill (Quaker Center in PA) in 1996  🙂  and then the weekend of the e-retreat debut!  It’s happening!  Anyone who likes some peace and quiet, good music and interesting art, listening to e.e. cummings read his poem (which will then be sung by a college choir), and hearing some suggestions for finding meaning in interruptions (!)… do tune in here for one of these days. Reasonable too!  Yes, I’m plugging’ it again!  Apologies…. but it will be truly interesting and at your own pace. I think you will like it.

Holy Interruptions:
An Online Retreat Day with Ann Kulp

Would you benefit from taking a day to rejuvenate, recharge, and refocus? Join Shalem adjunct staff member Ann Kulp this April for an online retreat day: “Holy Interruptions.” Using material that Ann has utilized for retreat days for years, repurposed and adapted for an online setting, you will enjoy guided meditations, reflection questions, poetry, art and music. Let Ann help you learn to notice and embrace unexpected, holy moments that happen each day. Space is limited. 
Dates: One day retreat which can be taken any of the three days the weekend of Fri, Apr 4 to Sun, Apr 6, 2014
Time: The course is comprised of two morning sessions and two afternoon sessions. You may access these whenever you wish during the three days of the retreat weekend, though the ideal approach is to set aside a single day.
Leader: Ann Kulp, D.Min., is a spiritual director who leads workshops and retreats.
Location: Shalem’s Contemplative-Living website.     
Cost: $39 To register on our store, please click here

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I would like to pull together some words of wisdom that I had gathered last week, but chemo week has left me bereft of expressing anything except some silly truth you might relate to as well!!!

I keep thinking things will change…. the piles will diminish and I will become more efficient…..but I think I need to join you all in the retreat I am recommending!   😉
Many thanks for all your support as you stay with me in this continuing challenge.

All was fine with the chemo last Tuesday … which was the 14th infusion; one more (4th) yet to go for this drug, taxotere. I get chemo every three weeks…. and it all began last May 7.  It’s been a year!!  Hard to believe. I’m so grateful that all has been tolerated well. The major drawback has been extreme weakness and lethargy. Sometimes difficult to get to the dining room, a distance when you’re weak.
This past Thursday I had an appointment with the retina specialist and learned that my macular degeneration remains mild and that my vision problems are related to very dry eyes. Need regular artificial tears many times a day. The chemo causes the cornea (should have a smooth surface) to develop lots of craters whose reflections make everything way too bright, distorted and so on. I may also need a new prescription. Thankfully Karen had planned to come out that day so was able to take me home; my eyes were super dilated and I could barely see.
My ‘low’ days usually begin on Friday after the Tuesday chemo….but I began to feel new side effects Thursday night … couldn’t breathe due to stuffed, swollen nostrils. Haven’t had this for decades! The second night I retrieved an old box of Breathe Right strips and managed to address the problem. Horrible memories of my allergies when the kids were small.  I began to recognize what a panic I was in … yet all was resolved, thankfully.
Next I will confess how I shot myself in the foot on Saturday. I had decided to get a good night’s sleep Friday night so went to bed by 11 pm, but it backfired and I – the night owl – was awake by 6:30! Couldn’t go back to sleep either.  So I decided that such a “wake-up call” was a call to play pickleball!  So off I went. To say that I was in no shape to play is an understatement but of course, I played anyway!  Huffing and puffing and wore myself out! Had some spinal pains as well, and even some abdominal irritation. Rats! So, I spent the rest of the day in the lazyboy…. sleeping! Stupidity. Live and learn. My ‘to-do’ list obviously took a back seat!
Since I continue to be asked about pickleball, I’ll insert a web link again so you can see it and appreciate my addiction.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2KNhIgOkXM  This is a clip from a TV news show!
SHALEM:  You may recall that I have been working on the republishing of my book SPIRIT WINDOWS with the Shalem Institute as well as an online day retreat called “Holy Interruptions.”  It is now on the web and ready for you to check out. Just 3 weeks from next weekend. Registration is now open. Shalem has taken lots of time and talent to tape me and assemble the resources that I used. When I offered it as a live retreat/quiet day it was well received and hopefully you too will find it a supplement to your spiritual regimen for a day.  Here is the info …. or go to shalem.org and scroll down.  Forgive the self-promoting, but a number of you requested the info when it became available.  🙂

Holy Interruptions:
An Online Retreat Day with Ann Kulp

Would you benefit from taking a day to rejuvenate, recharge, and refocus? Join Shalem adjunct staff member Ann Kulp this April for an online retreat day: “Holy Interruptions.” Using material that Ann has utilized for retreat days for years, repurposed and adapted for an online setting, you will enjoy guided meditations, reflection questions, poetry, art and music. Let Ann help you learn to notice and embrace unexpected, holy moments that happen each day. Space is limited. 
Dates: One day retreat which can be taken any of the three days the weekend of Fri, Apr 4 to Sun, Apr 6, 2014
Time: The course is comprised of two morning sessions and two afternoon sessions. You may access these whenever you wish during the three days of the retreat weekend, though the ideal approach is to set aside a single day.
Leader: Ann Kulp, D.Min., is a spiritual director who leads workshops and retreats.
Location: Shalem’s Contemplative-Living website.     
Cost: $39 To register on our store, please click here
Tomorrow is the monthly gathering of my Shalem Circle, always a benefit to each of us as we carry one another in heart and soul through life’s assorted paths. It is also a day of memory: the anniversary of Paul’s death three years ago. The interim pastor who led the memorial service called and invited me to lunch “on the 10th.” What a thoughtful gesture; I truly appreciate being able to recollect and cherish memories of our ‘almost 50 years’ together. Paul’s presence has actually been drawing closer this past week too. I am reminded of a poem that a colleague from my D.Min. class sent me upon learning of Paul’s death. She is a poet and I was deeply moved….and still am.

AT THE CROSSING

At the Crossing
Love only seems to stop breathing
In that nanosecond
Where time and timeless splash
Into the overflowing stream.
We all are caught, gasp-
Pulled along by Love remembered
Newly awakened
Unencumbered
Free!

  – Martha Bartholomew
By Hand Unseen, 2010

🙂
The CT scan had four “impressions,” all beginning with the word “STABLE.”
The oncologist pointed out all four for me in case I had any question as to whether the news was good or not!  It means that the cancers have not advanced and that the current chemo drug (taxotere) has kept it in check.
The Thoracic MRI showed the same spinal metastasis but with no fractures. (I notice that they also found a disc herniation at T6-T7 but my only pain has occurred in the lumbar and sacral regions; so nothing to worry about.)
Karen raised questions about the latest cancer research using antibodies as treatment. (Article in W.Post Health section last week.) Dr. Heyer said that may be considered as the research advances toward approval and if/when the present chemo ceases to be effective. At such time I would need another lung biopsy since there was insufficient material for the last test. Apparently there is lots being done in research for lung cancer and melanomas with the hope that some trials will be more available in the coming year. For now I’m pleased to know that I am doing so well.  And Dr. Heyer gets a kick out of me and my pickleball and said that perhaps they should require pickleball as part of the chemo treatment!
I will continue with two more treatments of the Taxotere, beginning March 4, a week from today.  They will be every three weeks as before.
Yes, I played pickle ball this morning.  🙂

Apologies for not posting news in the course of a month.  E-mails, phone calls, cards and notes have all prompted me to send ‘something!’  What a caring support group!
First off, I am doing quite well right now. I played five consecutive games of pickleball last Tuesday! I had been “off” about two months so this was sheer joy. Very little breathlessness. Played again on Saturday. Ah, nirvana!
The new prescription dosages worked within 24 hours to relieve me of the nagging reflexive cough that had worn me out. Some minor annoyances with eyes and nose tend to come and go. The last chemo Feb. 4 left me alternating between nighttime energy and daytime lethargy. Nothing new. I can fall asleep easily anywhere during the day!
Last Thursday I had the tests to determine the state of my body’s resistance to the cancers. I had a CT chest scan and a thoracic MRI. No valium, no claustrophobia, just a long forty minutes. Tomorrow Karen and I will meet with the oncologist to review the results. Hoping for positive news but prepared for ‘whatever’ as I am learning to live with uncertainty and other people’s wisdom.
Last week I gave myself permission to relax (!) into re-reading books “that fell off the shelf” or others I had begun. A pattern began to unfold as one led to another, wrapped in contemplative moments. For those interested, here are a few.
Karen Armstrong’s book The Spiral Staircase, 2004, details her account of leaving the convent and finding herself, discovering illness and failure, and – in the last chapter – exploring what it means to find your own path. (Author – The History of God.)  I got far more out of it ten years later!  And I too am asking the same question she was asked: “How did you come to be the person you are?”
One book I had never finished was Still Here: Embracing Aging, Changing and Dying by Ram Dass, written after his stroke. He tells of a man who had three bouts with cancer but whose advice was not to dread the future, but to stay open to whatever comes. “So we plan what’s plannable, then work with whatever we get. Or as the Marines say, ‘You change what you can change. And what you can’t change, you paint.'” I resonated with all of that … plus his comments on Time! There it is again.  “Eternity is now,  and by learning to ‘lose track of time’ through present focus, we begin to discover hidden dimensions to everyday experience, which have always been there for us, but have been veiled by our being time-bound. We can practice this moment-to-moment Awareness by learning to do one thing at a time.
And so last week I found myself practicing just that…..immersed in classical music as I relaxed in the lazyboy…or watching the birds at the feeder and on the patio table…or dozing and reflecting on passages from the various books that had ‘fallen into my lap’ or allowing myself to just ‘be.’  This meant giving myself permission NOT to do something … like working on Spirit Windows or this blog.  But it felt oh, so right and delightful. Being bound in Time on the physical level one can still ‘witness’ a sense of timelessness that slips in and out.
As I went to put away Rachel Remen’s classic Kitchen Table Wisdom (one of my very favorite books), I happened to open to p. 261. I had marked the page…and discovered that in the whole book it is the only quotation/permission. It is an opening chapter quote by Mark Nepo, (poet, storyteller, spiritual teacher) and caught my eye because he will be the speaker at Shalem’s Gerald May Seminar on March 21-22.   I share it with you in the hopes that you might find it as intriguing as I do and that you might be interested in attending the seminar (see link).
Each person is born with an unencumbered spot, free of expectation and regret, free of ambition and embarrassment, free of fear and worry, an umbilical spot of grace where we were each first touched by God.  It is this spot of grace that issues peace. Psychologists call this spot the Psyche, Theologists call it the Soul, Jung calls it The Seat of the Unconscious, Hindu masters call it the Atman, Buddhists call it the Dharma, Rilke call it Inwardness, Sufis call it Qualb, and Jesus calls it The Center of Our Love.
To know this spot of inwardness is to know who we are, not by surface markers of identity, not by where we work or what we wear or how we like to be addressed but by feeling our place in relation to the Infinite and by inhabiting it. This is a hard lifelong task, for the nature of becoming is a constant filming over of where we begin while the nature of being is a constant erosion of what is not essential. We each live in the midst of this ongoing tension, growing tarnished and covered over only to be worn back to that incorruptible spot of grace at our core.
Hopefully I will return to the blog tomorrow evening with whatever news is forthcoming. Life doesn’t depend on test reports despite what it seems. As the oncologist says, the most important gauge is how you feel. And right now … I feel closer to that spot of grace.

Recently a friend from about twenty years ago contacted me and in our e-mails mentioned a book study she was doing: the time keeper  by Mitch Albom (Tuesdays with Morrie). It is a fable about Father TIme and his encounter with a troubled teen girl and a dying billionaire…and his own mission.  Think of all the phrases we use that have ‘time’ in them. Once there was no word for it at all… because no one was counting. Then came Dor.  This is a story about the meaning of time. Of not having enough. Of time running out. Of being faced with the question of what we do with the time we have, whether we try to manipulate it or to live it out through awareness and appreciation of ‘what is.’  I have read it twice in the past several days!  I am SO grateful to Kaye for mentioning this book! So many meaningful pieces of wisdom within. I challenge you to ‘pass time’ with this unusual fable.
Now – to illustrate how books and cartoons and odds and ends drop off of shelves at the ‘right time’  – – – here is the cartoon that I had found and set aside a week ago, but feeling it might be too maudlin, deferred including it.  Now I am comfortable with it. You have all heard me moan about my files, boxes and “stuff” at the PA house as well as here… and then came the book … and an hourglass is a central feature of the story…. so please enjoy all that this represents in your life and mine!!  🙂

Since I last notated my medical situation I have seen the pulmonologist. It seems that he agreed with the oncologist that radiation was preferred to chemo, for a reason that had not been put forward to me before: my mobility!  It seems that my spine is considerably worse and the danger of becoming immobile is more of a concern than my lungs. Good heavens! Loss of mobility is almost as bad as loss of speech!  So I ate humble pie and contacted the oncologist with a mea culpa and my willingness to do whatever he recommended. Yes, letting go of control…. as though I had any to begin with! Today I learned that I will have one more treatment of the chemo (Taxotere) on Feb. 4, then two weeks later the scans of spine and lung, after which we will discern which path to take. I also meet with him next Tuesday. I can wrap myself in sack cloth and ashes in his presence as he grins at my self-determination.
I confess that I am having difficulty with the coughing and chest/belly pain from it all. I was put on more opiates (rather than Tylenol), as the pulmonologist feels that they will ease the panicky feeling of breathlessness and the reflexive reaction of coughing. I check in with him in the morning.
My support system is well in place … Karen was here today to help and chat. Shalem folk are “filling in the blanks” from my negligence or dalliance! And many friends and groups inquire and include me on a regular basis. I am most grateful for all this personal care.
Leaving you with a Celtic prayer sent by a fellow pilgrim to Iona in 2007.  Ancient, yet modern, using native American directions, and invoking Shalom for individuals and the world.
Sevenfold Blessings for Those Who Are Sick
First – from the east – a rising good fortune,
Second – from the west – a waning of worry.
Third – from the north – a cooling of fever.
Fourth – from the south – a soothing breeze.
Fifth – from the Father – a house secure.
Sixth – from the Spirit – a full breathing.
Seventh – from the Son – a healing touch.
Jesus, keeper of all our days,
Bring your healing touch.
Cast out illness, restore health.
Saint Brigid and Saint Patrick, be near;
Bless doctors, nurses, and caretakers.
From east, west, north, south, send new life –
O God, send your Shalom on the seventh day.
Blessings on our hurting world….
 

Yesterday I received in the mail the test reports from the lumbar spine MRI and the Chest CT scan.   I understood why no one wanted to fax or e-mail the material last week. It was far more explicit and proved me right in believing they wanted to protect me from the news.
The lumbar spine
“There has been a dramatic increase in the number enhancing metastases throughout the lumbar spine, T12 and the visualized sacrum including the posterior elements.  Bilateral iliac bone involvement is also noted. Other previously visualized enhancing metastases have increased in size, the largest involving L4 which now occupies at least 2/3 of the plume of L3.”
The lungs
“Extensive changes are again identified within the left lung. The focal density previously measuring 13×9 mm currently measures 17×10 mm. There is a mass like area of focal consolidation along the right hemidiaphragm previously measured 30x18mm currently measures 32×22 mm. There are many new micronodules scattered throughout the residual left lower lobe. The right lung demonstrates some compensatory hyperinflations. In the thoracic spine multiple focal sclerotic areas are identified which are consistent with metastatic disease.” 
The good news! 
I have had two great days. No spinal pain and much reduced coughing thanks to the meds from pulmonologist. Yesterday was a balmy day with sun  🙂   and today, though rainy, was special in that I had a nice visit with Karen who picked me up for chemo.  The preparation meds are staggering in that I have double the amount of steroids to counter fluid retention and an extra day of them. No idea whether nausea will be a greater problem but am not counting on it.  !
The night in between!
Yesterday was my first day on decadron, the steroid.  Up and down all night and did I have energy!  Did three loads of laundry, made lists as I kept remembering things, answered some e-mails, and did some contemplative reading. Finally got to sleep around 5:30 or 6. Alarm went off at 9.  Got a short nap this evening and am now preparing for another of these hyped-up nights. I figure that between the narcotic cough syrup and a half a sleeping pill I might make it to sleep earlier. Here’s hoping… Otherwise I won’t be free of this routine until Saturday.  But I can think of a lot worse…like pain and breathlessness, which I am joyfully free of!

This afternoon
Karen and I had a lovely visit which we haven’t had in a long time, chatting about some times we’ve valued and how we each remembered them. She has worried that I am minding being alone more than she realized. Knowing my ‘get up and go’ nature she felt that I would just ease into it. But it’s funny what living with someone for almost 50 years can do to one’s sense of being independent. Paul and I were more closely and deeply linked than we probably knew. Yet she has done more than anyone could expect in being my ‘right hand’ and I love her presence. So comforting. In addition to discussing things we will miss if my treatment fails, we talked about the importance of continuing to live life to the fullest – as a healing tool for self and others. It is amazing how a positive and faithful outlook can improve the attitude of others who might be reduced to pity and unnecessary worry. I assured Karen that I am not covering sadness and grief with my encouraging words. They are the core ‘me.’ I believe them and hope to live them out as long as I can….with humor as well!  Perhaps some of you are acquainted with Dr. Wayne Dyer (on PBS) and his work “The Power of Intention.”  There is a section on healing and intention. I ‘buy’ it. My intention is to see myself as whole as the day I came into the world and to carry that image of wholeness as long as the material body allows it, hopefully eliminating ugly expectations and fears that would surely be damaging to my treatment. They don’t guarantee ‘cure’ or even ‘remission’ but they do add to the appreciation of all that is – each day of my life – and add the ability to be honest within the highs and lows. That, of course, has been the purpose of Ann’s Hummingbird. 🙂

Thanks for the cartoon images and comments!  I enjoyed them all. I am now going to add two for you, one lovely piece which speaks to my beliefs on What cancer cannot do (from Carl, my pickleball mentor)

   and one which I find charming…. and maybe applicable!!

Just a brief note to update you. I have just spoken to the oncologist who reported that the results from the lumbar MRI (Tues) and the CT chest scan (Wed) have shown more cancer.
The spine is definitely worse with more spots or larger ones, but no fracture and no tumor. Dr. Heyer was concerned and thinking radiation as possibly the next step.
The lung shows only a subtle change but lots of new very, very tiny nodules. Not dramatic, but probably enough to cause my increased shortness of breath and occasional tickling cough.
Although he had initially thought of relieving my spinal pain with radiation, I feel able to easily control the pain with Tylenol and occasional Vicodin; so he will defer to my greater concern: my lung (tickle cough and shortness of breath).  I will begin the standard “next step” of another chemotherapy: Taxotere (“taxoteer”).  It will be similar to the Alimta in terms of what to expect. I begin next Tuesday on a three week cycle as before. It will address all cancer cells in my body, so can treat the spine as well. I get to again take Decadron (steroid) the day before, the day of, and the day following the chemo. But Energy! to clean or work at night as it hypes me up! Then a few days of exhaustion. Will see.
My pulmonologist has called as well and made some recommendations for easing the symptoms. How wonderful to be able to have personal contact with doctors at times like these!  Compassionate, helpful, and knowledgeable – all of them.
I was looking for a good cartoon to add here but will let you find one for me! All this was truly expected so I’m not in shock. 🙂  Please remember me in your meditation practices, yoga, beads, bowls, vibrations, tai chi, whatever, and heartfelt prayers. It is your intention that counts, not how or how well you do it!  Love to all you dear friends.

Please enjoy my amaryllis! Originally they were simply two tall 16″ stems with two bulbs looking like I would eventually get two flowers.  Behold! I got two bulbs with eight flowers! Not at the same time, but what a surprise!  (Here are six, with two not open in near side.)  I had ‘amaryllis’ on my gift list, remembering when Paul gave me a pot of two bulbs just beginning to arise from the soil, and how we watched them grow. Obviously I had forgotten all about amaryllis! What I noticed about these extra tall plants: they were top heavy and slanted so that they took three tumbles since Christmas and I have been concocting ways to help them continue growing ever since! An ice pick on one side and a cake tester on the other with a large ‘twist-em’ around it all!  After one slalom down to the couch from the windowsill, one came completely out and broke at the base but, undaunted, it has struggled on with a little help. These are huge and absolutely gorgeous. What a lift of spirit such changes bring!
Update: Today was my scheduled day for chemo, having skipped the holidays due to the diverticulitis. However, I have had some severe spinal pain on a few occasions as well as the repetitive cough that brought pain to rib or lung area. Therefore I saw the oncologist today prior to the chemo (Karen accompanied) and the decision was to not have the Alimta today.  I had my usual injection of Xgeva and blood work (all fine, even the white count after its having been way down when in the ER) and will cease getting B12 because it was related to the Alimta.
So – what is next? Dr. Heyer is having me get an MRI of the lumbar region and a CT scan of the chest. These will be compared with earlier results to see what is going on.  He suspects that he will send me for radiation of my spine to bring relief of occasional pain which didn’t show up until early December. (Why no chemo?:  it affects the bone marrow and there is too much toxicity if radiation is combined with chemo.)
MRI: This afternoon I was able to go directly from one office to another for the MRI, thanks to schedule and nearby location.  I told the attendant that yes, I was claustrophobic but would be okay… a big boast!  (Karen had left and I had no valium; they don’t let you drive yourself home if you have taken valium. And I wanted to get it over with.) Consider how cold it was today and how cold those chambers are anyway nor had I arrived without metal on my clothing! However, they provided me with TWO gowns and THREE blankets! and my wig helped!  I asked him to turn off the fan (which he kindly did) but when he pulled me out for the contrast near the end, I told him I was toasty and he could turn it back on!  AND I had absolutely no claustrophobia for the whole 40 minutes!  Hallelujah.  It was fascinating to listen to different sounds and rhythms (even counted over 600 of one tempo which got boring- both the noise and the counting!) and to even open my eyes to a non-threatening environment – praises be!, and feeling most grateful for this new experience in ‘the tunnel!’
CT Scan: Tomorrow I get the CT scan. The results will probably be available by Friday to the doc. I am pleased to be having these (despite the fact that I have quite a collection of scans and tests in my bio now) because they hopefully have guided and will guide my further treatment.
A welcome change: My spirits were especially low with the three weeks or so of diverticulitis and the struggle to address it, and my having to miss pickle ball!  However, this week has been a turnaround, and I attribute much of it to having had time to delve into some literature and daybooks that brought me back to who I feel I really am. And that feels good. And so I allow books to “fall off the wall” that seem to open to the ‘right page,’ or to look for a selection for a friend and find that it was really intended for me. And then the joy of being helpful to others, especially some of those here who need a smile and a few chuckles. And – I’m hoping to get back to pickleball real soon…. and to my work with Shalem which has been delayed unfortunately by my health as well as my procrastination. I think sometimes we need to be goaded (right now by change)…. or angered … in order to move on. Yes! I once got mad when a therapist (I was depressed after my mother’s death) instructed me how I could begin to clean up… telling me that liquor stores had wonderful boxes for books…as if I didn’t know that… and to just get busy! I was insulted actually and the anger obviously stirred up my energy so that I DID get busy, just not in the way that she suggested. And, of course most of the “stuff” is stored up in the Summit House workshop! At least more than I’d like. Karen was shocked to see how much of her grandparents’ papers were up there! So goes life. She and David may get to sort it. But there is joy in the sorting and the memories, no matter who ends up doing it.  Some folks tell me that their kids will just pull up a dumpster and not look through anything…. but I doubt it. Something within us will draw our attention to a memory that is represented by a book, a totem, a blanket, a chair, a letter, a poem, a sculpture, a painting, a coffeepot, a photograph from the past, and so on. And our hearts will be lifted.
My New Year’s wish to you all – via John Ruskin (1819-1900):

I wish you some new love of lovely things
and some new forgetfulness of the teasing things
and some higher pride in the praising things
and some sweeter peace from the hurrying things
and some closer fence from the worrying things. 

And a new perspective on changes!

In back & hidden: first drooping blooms
Front: four latest blooms

If, as Herod, we fill our lives with things,
and again with things;
if we consider ourselves so unimportant
that we must fill every moment of our lives with action,
when will we have the time
to make the long, slow journey across the desert as did the Magi?
or brood over the coming of the child as did Mary?
For each one of us there is a desert to travel
A star to discover
And a being within ourselves to bring to life.

Some years back Paul and I sent the card above to our friends at Christmas.  It seems appropriate to use it again this year.  The artist is Michael Podesta and the author unknown.
As you may imagine, I’ve been offered lots of time for the desert and for brooding this year.  Some of it has brought me fresh insights and self-awareness, and some has met with resistance since I’m definitely not in control of anything! The star is still elusive but it beckons.  May we each hold that image before us as we move toward more light along our life’s path.
I continue with my chemo with the exception of taking a pass this week.  That is just as well since I spent last night in the ER for the definitive diagnosis of acute diverticulitis which I’ve been dealing with for a week. Hopefully it will calm down with the new meds and I will regain some energy. I’m a slow learner (if avoidance can be learned!) because I went through this exactly a year ago! I prefer the chemo, if you can believe it!
Christmas-tide blessings to each of you who continue to walk with me on this journey.

Just a quickie to say that I had chemo last Tuesday and then had an appointment with the oncologist on Thursday for clarification of the whole body bone scan I had had earlier. I was feeling discouraged after seeing my vertebra all lit up, and he wanted to reassure me. I had had next to no sleep for two nights (a third was about to happen as well since with chemo I take Decadron, a steroid and anti-emetic, and get hyped up most of the night) and so these are Karen’s notes. Call it chemo brain, being 80, and exhaustion. My mind needed help. So here is her report:
Increased activity can indicate both getting better or worse. Therefore the scan is inconclusive. With little or no pain, it should be encouraging. We have an option of taking a break from the chemo; decided not to just yet. Activity in the bladder and kidneys is a normal and hoped for thing! Blood counts are settling down. Only mild, slightly anemic now.  An alternative to current chemo treatments are other chemos. Also, trials. The University of Michigan -through the company Paradigm – is doing a free molecular testing, looking for targets other than the two that were tested last spring (there are 40 different mutations). Dr. Heyer sent them a lung biopsy sample and will let us know if there are any useful results. It could lead to identifying more mutations responsive to lung cancer…and thus to new treatments down the pike. A CT scan will be scheduled after 2 more chemo treatments (another 6 weeks).    Thanks, Karen!
Fridays begin the day when I tend to notice side effects from the chemo. Unfortunately I have had lower spine pain for the past three days with not much relief through Tylenol as previously. It finally subsided around dinner time tonight and I’m hoping that it was only a side effect and not a new symptom – and that it ceases!! Eyes continue to water and blur my vision, but I tolerate that much better.
On a seasonal note, I hope that some of you heard the boys’ choir from South London, “Libera,” that was on PBS this past week. I have three of their CDs from way back and was thrilled to see them on TV!  Beautiful voices and performance in Ireland. Click HERE to hear a 4 minute clip from their Christmas program. Then go to their home site for more.

One of my dear friends sent me this song about a year ago when one of my friends was very ill, saying that it is sung in synagogue after the names of the sick have been read. Anyone’s name may be included. I have been fortunate to be the beneficiary of her submitting my name these past months; thank you, Kit, for reminding me again in your comment. It has been very meaningful to me. This is one of the central Jewish prayers for those who are ill or recovering from illness or accidents. The prayer takes its name from the first two words: ‘mi” and “sheberach” (variety of spellings) meaning, “the One who blessed.”  The prayer is for the physical cure as well as spiritual healing, asking for blessing, compassion, restoration, and strength, within the community of those facing illness. Traditionally, the Misheberach is said in synagogue when the Torah is read.
Please listen and follow with Debbie Friedman as she offers her version of the prayer (skip the ad!):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHKo3CjuzpY&feature=youtu.be
Mi shebeirach avoteinu (May the one who blessed our ancestors)
M’kor hab’racha l’imoteinu
May the source of strength,
Who blessed the ones before us,
Help us find the courage to make our lives a blessing,
and let us say, Amen.
Mi shebeirach imoteinu
M’kor habrachah l’avoteinu
Bless those in need of healing with r’fuah sh’lemah (complete healing)
The renewal of body, the renewal of spirit,
And let us say, Amen.

Let us remember that we each desire wholeness/healing and are all candidates for prayers for courage, compassion, and strength for the day.  Deep peace to all…
* * * * * * *
MP3 link: (lacks the personal touch of the video but is excellent to save) http://www.ritualwell.org/sites/default/files/imce_uploads/image.2005-07-25.6708517725.mp3

My daughter-in-law Tamara, David’s wife, sent me the link for the info below. It is timely and worth sharing with my blog audience. I actually hadn’t realized the first fact!  Personal details follow.
Lung Cancer Advocacy
November is National Lung Cancer Awareness Month, and advocates are working to erase the stigma associated with the disease, which they say results in lower funding for lung cancer research. The anti-smoking efforts began as a way to educate the public about the dangers of smoking, but turned into “equating smoking to evil,” Sequist says. Society thinks of lung cancer as something people have brought upon themselves, so there is less sympathy around it, she adds.
Lung Cancer: The Deadliest Cancer
Lung cancer takes more lives than breast, prostate, colon and pancreatic cancer combined, according to the American Lung Association. The five-year survival rate for those diagnosed with lung cancer is 16 percent. Sequist says there have been some breakthroughs in treatments. The lung cancer rate has fallen 21 percent among men, but for reasons that remain unclear, the rates have risen 116 percent among women. About 160,000 people die from lung cancer every year, according to the National Cancer Institute, and more than half die within one year of being diagnosed.
If you would like to read the full article ….
A Medical Mystery: Why is Lung Cancer Rising Among Non-smoking Women? 
When I was treated for my first lung cancer 15 years ago my doctor at Johns Hopkins said that the greatest need was for research due to the stigma.  It seems to remain today.  As a result I have contributed to the “Sidney Kimmel Foundation for Cancer Research at Johns Hopkins,” specifying lung cancer, for ten years.  Baltimore, MD 21297.  Paul and I were once invited to tour the facility and were duly impressed.

A number of you have requested the latest news, so this is “hot” … you can decide how to interpret that in a minute!
Yesterday I had a whole body bone scan at the nuclear medicine center of Fairfax Radiology. It was ordered when I was experiencing some mild spinal pain in early November. The purpose was to see if the results would give more information than the PET scan which had noted “activity” in the lumbar area and femur.  The oncologist had hoped it might deny such devilish suggestions, but alas, the results only verified the earlier report. There is an “abnormal uptake” (meaning there is cancerous activity) in the lumbar area – L1,L2,L4,L5 – and in the right femur.
This news is not surprising since my spinal pain has increased in the past two weeks so that I need 2 Extra-Strength Tylenol for sleep and to begin the day. That said, though, we’re not talking about pain all day, or narcotics to address the problem.  🙂   The oncologist is not convinced that a change of therapy is warranted at this time because there is stability in both the lung area and the cerebellum site. I will have my next chemo on Dec. 3, my Xgeva injection on the 10th, and will meet with him on December 12 for further discussion about treatment options related to how I’m doing at that time.
FYI:  Such a bone scan test requires a three hour wait between the radioactive injection and the scan – so Karen and I had a date for shopping and lunch at Tysons! We discovered that La Madeleine has relocated INTO the mall now… and we had the most exquisite turkey and melted brie sandwich on a crisp (but not heavy or tough) bread, which also included caramelized onions and apples! Like to die for!  We strongly recommend it!
I have been working hard to finish packing up the lifetime memorabilia I had assembled for Karen and David and trying to catch up on notes and e-mails. It has been a most exciting month. Now I am about to “get down to brass tacks” and work on the two Shalem projects that have been unfortunately gathering dust while my cohorts there are working away on my behalf! I get easily distracted (‘chasing rabbits’ as Paul used to say) and tend to blame it on the chemo and being 80, but I know it’s always been my nature. 🙂
Please keep me on your “continuing care” list.  I had my name put back on the church list this week; I will learn one day not to jump to conclusions! Still…. “all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well” (Julian of Norwich). Or should I be singing “Que sera, sera?!” (sung by Doris Day in 1956)
When I was just a little girl 
I asked my mother, what will I be 
Will I be pretty, will I be rich 
Here’s what she said to me. 
Que Sera, Sera, 
Whatever will be, will be 
The future’s not ours, to see 
Que Sera, Sera 
What will be, will be. 
When I was young, I fell in love 
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead 
Will we have rainbows, day after day 
Here’s what my sweetheart said. 
Que Sera, Sera, 
Whatever will be, will be 
The future’s not ours, to see 
Que Sera, Sera 
What will be, will be. 
Now I have children of my own 
They ask their mother, what will I be 
Will I be handsome, will I be rich 
I tell them tenderly. 
Que Sera, Sera, 
Whatever will be, will be 
The future’s not ours, to see 
Que Sera, Sera 
What will be, will be.
AMEN!

I’m trying to piece the days and weeks together! Time seems to speed by way too fast. My good health continues with the exception of some spinal pain, mostly at night.  I believe that it may be due to my walking/standing evening routines where I prance about ‘catching up’ and then am worn out by the time I ‘hit the hay!’  However, minimal medication seems to resolve the problem. Watering eyes and drippy nostrils continue (sounds awful, sorry!) but I’m told it’s the chemo.
A week ago Karen and David held a lovely celebration of my birthday (which was a month earlier). Held here at Greenspring it gave me an opportunity to meet and greet a large number of friends from the various paths my life has taken! So hard to believe… and such a joy!! Karen was the gracious hostess who corralled it all and David did the gallant duty of speaking about his mom. His words were sincere and loving, mixed, of course, with the usual family repertoire of child-rearing tales! Sigh… Those who know me well got their chuckles. He closed by presenting me with a gift of calligraphy by Michael Podesta – from Karen and him. I have been a fan of Michael’s since the 70s and own or have gifted many of his items. (michaelpodesta.com) He showed it and read it … Prayer of St. Therese … a lovely and appropriate prayer for me at this stage in my life’s journey. This is by Therese of Lisieux (not Avila, although some dispute that) …and here it is:
“May today there be peace within. May you trust your highest power that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use the gifts you have received and pass on the love that has been given you. Let this presence settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise, and love. It is there for each and every one of you.”     SING*DANCE*PRAISE*LOVE
The whole event was an expression of love – from my family as well as from all who attended. To acquaint you with the family here is a pic that shows everyone. On the left is David, his wife Tamara, her two sons, Torsten (14) and Mac (12), and David’s two daughters, Lily (10) and Naomi (8). (Lily and Naomi’s mother died five years ago from metastatic breast cancer.) On the right is Karen with husband Ben Grumbles, and Kate (17) and Daniel (14).  Karen’s family lives in Arlington; David’s in Ashfield, Massachusetts.
What incredible memories. People sharing. One in particular was from Anne Shotwell who was responsible for making all those origami cranes that were on the tables, one for each person. Of possible interest is her poem about her crane making which should add meaning to your ‘souvenir.’ It might even become part of your prayers.

paper cranes

I fold a tiny paper square
until the square becomes a crane
which flutters from my fingertip
and carries heartfelt prayers for you
up to the window where God sits
watching all creation.

God holds out a fingertip
where the paper crane alights
and listens as the silent crane
whispers out my heartfelt prayer
to the very ear of God.

then the folded paper crane
flutters from God’s fingertips
to deliver God’s own grace
to the window where you sit
watching all creation.

so just hold out your fingertip
and let the paper crane alight.
then listen as the silent crane
delivers holy blessings.
hear the folded paper crane
whisper holy blessings.

© 1987/2009  anne shotwell

Last Tuesday I had another chemo treatment along with injections of Xgeva (for bone protection) and B12 (for what gets wiped out by chemo). Blood work continues to come back satisfactorily. Haven’t missed any meals and appetite remains quite good. Saturday I played pickleball and failed to realize that my fatigue walking home to my apartment was due to the chemo, not the pickleball! Always fun, but a hike to get there. I will observe an increase in vim and vigor for the next two weeks as the chemo effects have now peaked and my body is recuperating, preparing for another onslaught!
I took my name off the Sunday bulletin (the “Continuing Care” list) since I’ve been doing so well, but – please don’t take me off your list.  Just use the above phrase from Therese’s prayer… Let this presence settle into your bones and perhaps my spinal pain will respond accordingly!

Thanks to all for your continuing friendship and connections. There is indeed a felt presence that is sustaining.

Nothing like good news to boost morale and energy. Yesterday I met with Dr. Heyer to get the results from the two tests I had on November 1st. An MRI of the brain in the morning and a PET scan of the lung and spine in the afternoon. I am now accustomed to the MRI machine and surprised even myself. Good thing as I will need to have these every three or four months. The PET scan requires drinking barium and then being injected with radioactive glucose. At that point one is given a private room with recliner and very dim lights and told to sleep or relax for an hour so the fluid circulates. Not to read or be active. Nice environment for dozing. Then the scan in a CT type machine.  PET (I’ve been asked this) means Positron Emission Tomography. About 20 minutes being gradually moved forward for the four scans. And they provided me with blankets. 🙂
REPORTS:
The lung lesion.  The size has decreased to 1.1 cm. x .8 cm., not a huge amount but no larger than the original (1.4 x .9) and no other spots observed. The metabolic activity is lower than last spring; that is a good sign. Conclusion: Stable. Continue with the chemo every 3 weeks.
The metastasis to the spine. The radiologist noted more hot spots but the oncologist said that these could be signs of healing as well. He asked me about pain several times but I’ve had only occasional spinal pain – upon waking, which responds to Tylenol or walking around for a while – and was told that such is not a sign of cancer.  😉  Conclusion: Have a bone scan to provide another baseline measurement.
The metastasis to the brain. The 4 mm. little demon still showed up on the MRI. However, it is unknown if the tissue is dead or not! The fact that it is no larger and that there are no other demons poking around in my head is good news. Conclusion: Stable situation. Chemo has stopped growth.
Other.  No new spots on liver, etc. so general impression is that things are going well and the treatment plan will continue with the Alimta every three weeks. I tolerate it well; a definite plus.
As you have probably noticed from my blog if not in person, I have experienced renewed energy and am able to resume most of my ‘normal’ lifestyle. It has been indeed a joy beyond measure. Although I experience 3-5 “low days” per treatment cycle, that has not kept me inactive, just considerably slowed down. I am most grateful that my body is able to handle the chemotherapy so well. One hears nightmare stories; but of course each person is different, as is the particular type of cancer, as is the prescribed kind of chemo drug. I could easily be in one of their shoes.
Since I last posted an entry I have played pickle ball several times, visited Shalem offices where I met with several of the staff and enjoyed lunch together, and made another visit to Blue Ridge Summit.
No photos this time. Just an update and thanks for walking the unknown path with me. This is the 8th month since diagnosis… and I wasn’t even sure I’d make it to my birthday. The combination of how weak and breathless I felt plus the facts about metastatic lung cancer presented a huge challenge. Now I wonder how I can feel so good. So continued thanks to each of you who suffer reading this blog of medical details and personal diary-type entries… yet who remain faithful supporters along the path of the unknown. This whole experience has provided numerous lessons: in slowing down; in trusting doctors, chemicals, time and the Source; in believing that  just ‘living life’ is more important than ‘doing;’ … and that it really doesn’t matter how it all turns out … we are all in the same boat even though we may not realize it.
One of my favorite quotes is from Florida Scott-Maxwell, author of The Measure of My Days, written when she was in her 80s. The book is a gem and I highly recommend it for the wisdom imparted. And this piece is well worth pondering…
Life does not accommodate you, it shatters you. It is meant to, and it couldn’t do it better. Every seed destroys its container or else there would be no fruition.
To lighten your mood, I’ll close with one of her best. Enjoy!
‘No matter how old a mother is she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement.’