Reflections

Yesterday I received in the mail the test reports from the lumbar spine MRI and the Chest CT scan.   I understood why no one wanted to fax or e-mail the material last week. It was far more explicit and proved me right in believing they wanted to protect me from the news.
The lumbar spine
“There has been a dramatic increase in the number enhancing metastases throughout the lumbar spine, T12 and the visualized sacrum including the posterior elements.  Bilateral iliac bone involvement is also noted. Other previously visualized enhancing metastases have increased in size, the largest involving L4 which now occupies at least 2/3 of the plume of L3.”
The lungs
“Extensive changes are again identified within the left lung. The focal density previously measuring 13×9 mm currently measures 17×10 mm. There is a mass like area of focal consolidation along the right hemidiaphragm previously measured 30x18mm currently measures 32×22 mm. There are many new micronodules scattered throughout the residual left lower lobe. The right lung demonstrates some compensatory hyperinflations. In the thoracic spine multiple focal sclerotic areas are identified which are consistent with metastatic disease.” 
The good news! 
I have had two great days. No spinal pain and much reduced coughing thanks to the meds from pulmonologist. Yesterday was a balmy day with sun  🙂   and today, though rainy, was special in that I had a nice visit with Karen who picked me up for chemo.  The preparation meds are staggering in that I have double the amount of steroids to counter fluid retention and an extra day of them. No idea whether nausea will be a greater problem but am not counting on it.  !
The night in between!
Yesterday was my first day on decadron, the steroid.  Up and down all night and did I have energy!  Did three loads of laundry, made lists as I kept remembering things, answered some e-mails, and did some contemplative reading. Finally got to sleep around 5:30 or 6. Alarm went off at 9.  Got a short nap this evening and am now preparing for another of these hyped-up nights. I figure that between the narcotic cough syrup and a half a sleeping pill I might make it to sleep earlier. Here’s hoping… Otherwise I won’t be free of this routine until Saturday.  But I can think of a lot worse…like pain and breathlessness, which I am joyfully free of!

This afternoon
Karen and I had a lovely visit which we haven’t had in a long time, chatting about some times we’ve valued and how we each remembered them. She has worried that I am minding being alone more than she realized. Knowing my ‘get up and go’ nature she felt that I would just ease into it. But it’s funny what living with someone for almost 50 years can do to one’s sense of being independent. Paul and I were more closely and deeply linked than we probably knew. Yet she has done more than anyone could expect in being my ‘right hand’ and I love her presence. So comforting. In addition to discussing things we will miss if my treatment fails, we talked about the importance of continuing to live life to the fullest – as a healing tool for self and others. It is amazing how a positive and faithful outlook can improve the attitude of others who might be reduced to pity and unnecessary worry. I assured Karen that I am not covering sadness and grief with my encouraging words. They are the core ‘me.’ I believe them and hope to live them out as long as I can….with humor as well!  Perhaps some of you are acquainted with Dr. Wayne Dyer (on PBS) and his work “The Power of Intention.”  There is a section on healing and intention. I ‘buy’ it. My intention is to see myself as whole as the day I came into the world and to carry that image of wholeness as long as the material body allows it, hopefully eliminating ugly expectations and fears that would surely be damaging to my treatment. They don’t guarantee ‘cure’ or even ‘remission’ but they do add to the appreciation of all that is – each day of my life – and add the ability to be honest within the highs and lows. That, of course, has been the purpose of Ann’s Hummingbird. 🙂

Thanks for the cartoon images and comments!  I enjoyed them all. I am now going to add two for you, one lovely piece which speaks to my beliefs on What cancer cannot do (from Carl, my pickleball mentor)
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   and one which I find charming…. and maybe applicable!!
The person who says it can't be done...

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

10 thoughts on “Reflections

  1. anne

    you are a living example of a well-loved prayer (let her live until she dies). you are committed to living until you die. and the gifts that you give your friends and family by keeping that commitment will last them a lifetime.

  2. Tina Essick

    You are an encouragement to others who are dealing with life challenges. You have a wonderful spirit and attitude. Praying for you.

  3. Chris Jeffrey

    Ann,
    Thank you for your words and the cartoons. I am going on the pilgrimage to Cuba and will carry you with me.
    Chris

  4. Lucy Anderson

    Ann, your strength and faith are truly inspirational. I am hoping the treatments will arrest the growth of the lesions.
    Love and prayers,
    Lucy A

  5. Billie Sutter

    Listen to your dear Karen and all your friends! You are loved and you are here and we all intend that Ann continue to be Ann for the length of her days….no matter how many they number.
    You are so very well loved and held in prayer….and such strength for us all!

  6. Betty Brown Young

    Ann,
    You are such an inspiration! Knowing you and how you are handling all of this has enhanced my thinking and my life. Thank you for sharing not only the medical information, but also your deepest thoughts. I feel so honored to be a part of this. I love the piece about what cancer cannot do – and you are a shining
    example of that! May God comfort you and continue to be with you, and keep away any pain or suffering!
    With much love, Betty

  7. Ann Kidd

    So sad to receive your latest news on the progress of the cancer, but as always so amazed at your resilience and fortitude and the ferocious liveliness of your brain (I know steroids etc. can help as I was given them a long time ago for a horrid bout of arthritis)
    Often thinking of you. Love Ann

  8. leahrampy

    Ann, I feel such an outpouring of love for you and such deep gratitude for how you live so fully. You inspire me and so many others with your delight in all of life. My prayers for you continue. Love, Leah

  9. liz and David

    Dear Ann,
    Thank you for sharing this disappointing news with us , Yet at the very same time continuing to inspire us, by your attitude & your continuing to live life to the full.
    I was out shopping this afternoon, in a little nick- nack shop and came across a cute little wooden crafted sign saying
    ‘Every day is a gift’ – I have put it up in front of my computer (where I seem to spend so much time). You inspire us all to do as you have done and continue to do and be thankful for our gifts & make the most of our lives .
    We will continue to keep thinking positive thoughts for you & holding you in our prayers
    With our love
    Elizabeth & David

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