Yesterday I received in the mail the test reports from the lumbar spine MRI and the Chest CT scan.   I understood why no one wanted to fax or e-mail the material last week. It was far more explicit and proved me right in believing they wanted to protect me from the news.
The lumbar spine
“There has been a dramatic increase in the number enhancing metastases throughout the lumbar spine, T12 and the visualized sacrum including the posterior elements.  Bilateral iliac bone involvement is also noted. Other previously visualized enhancing metastases have increased in size, the largest involving L4 which now occupies at least 2/3 of the plume of L3.”
The lungs
“Extensive changes are again identified within the left lung. The focal density previously measuring 13×9 mm currently measures 17×10 mm. There is a mass like area of focal consolidation along the right hemidiaphragm previously measured 30x18mm currently measures 32×22 mm. There are many new micronodules scattered throughout the residual left lower lobe. The right lung demonstrates some compensatory hyperinflations. In the thoracic spine multiple focal sclerotic areas are identified which are consistent with metastatic disease.” 
The good news! 
I have had two great days. No spinal pain and much reduced coughing thanks to the meds from pulmonologist. Yesterday was a balmy day with sun  🙂   and today, though rainy, was special in that I had a nice visit with Karen who picked me up for chemo.  The preparation meds are staggering in that I have double the amount of steroids to counter fluid retention and an extra day of them. No idea whether nausea will be a greater problem but am not counting on it.  !
The night in between!
Yesterday was my first day on decadron, the steroid.  Up and down all night and did I have energy!  Did three loads of laundry, made lists as I kept remembering things, answered some e-mails, and did some contemplative reading. Finally got to sleep around 5:30 or 6. Alarm went off at 9.  Got a short nap this evening and am now preparing for another of these hyped-up nights. I figure that between the narcotic cough syrup and a half a sleeping pill I might make it to sleep earlier. Here’s hoping… Otherwise I won’t be free of this routine until Saturday.  But I can think of a lot worse…like pain and breathlessness, which I am joyfully free of!

This afternoon
Karen and I had a lovely visit which we haven’t had in a long time, chatting about some times we’ve valued and how we each remembered them. She has worried that I am minding being alone more than she realized. Knowing my ‘get up and go’ nature she felt that I would just ease into it. But it’s funny what living with someone for almost 50 years can do to one’s sense of being independent. Paul and I were more closely and deeply linked than we probably knew. Yet she has done more than anyone could expect in being my ‘right hand’ and I love her presence. So comforting. In addition to discussing things we will miss if my treatment fails, we talked about the importance of continuing to live life to the fullest – as a healing tool for self and others. It is amazing how a positive and faithful outlook can improve the attitude of others who might be reduced to pity and unnecessary worry. I assured Karen that I am not covering sadness and grief with my encouraging words. They are the core ‘me.’ I believe them and hope to live them out as long as I can….with humor as well!  Perhaps some of you are acquainted with Dr. Wayne Dyer (on PBS) and his work “The Power of Intention.”  There is a section on healing and intention. I ‘buy’ it. My intention is to see myself as whole as the day I came into the world and to carry that image of wholeness as long as the material body allows it, hopefully eliminating ugly expectations and fears that would surely be damaging to my treatment. They don’t guarantee ‘cure’ or even ‘remission’ but they do add to the appreciation of all that is – each day of my life – and add the ability to be honest within the highs and lows. That, of course, has been the purpose of Ann’s Hummingbird. 🙂

Thanks for the cartoon images and comments!  I enjoyed them all. I am now going to add two for you, one lovely piece which speaks to my beliefs on What cancer cannot do (from Carl, my pickleball mentor)

   and one which I find charming…. and maybe applicable!!