I realized that I have the Iona Abbey Worship Book with the service as well as the preparation statements….. and want to share them as a bit of background for your participation in this event – at 4 pm today (or anytime).
 “This service of prayers for healing, which takes place every Tuesday evening, reflects our belief that God’s purpose for us all is a life of wholeness, as expressed in the life and teaching of Jesus.  The ministry of healing is an integral part of our Christian witness.
     We each stand in need of healing, but in this ministry we recognize also the social dimension.  The healing of divided communities and nations, and the healing of the earth itself, have their place alongside the healing of broken bodies, hurt minds and wounded hearts, and of the hurts and divisions within ourselves.  So too our prayers are complementary to the work of medicine and other forms of healing, which are also channels of God’s loving and transforming purpose.
     In our service we shall name particular people, places and situations for which prayers have been specifically asked.  We do this because each person and situation is known to God, not as a problem to be solved, but as a focus for God’s acceptance and love. We are not seeking to change God but to change the world; and we trust God that our prayers will be answered, although we do not know when or how healing will happen.
     There will also be an opportunity for those who wish to come forward to receive or share in the ministry of the laying-on of hands. This can be either for themselves or for another person or situation.  In and through this we affirm that the ministry of healing is not restricted to particular individuals but is a corporate, inclusive process – the work of the whole Christian community in which we all have a part to play.  God’s healing purpose, the promise of God’s fulfilling and sustaining love, is for every one of us.  Whether we choose to come forward or to remain seated in prayer and concern, God can use our presence in this service.”
A Service of Prayer for Healing
Welcome
Opening Responses
Leader: We gather here in your presence, God,
ALL:  IN OUR NEED
AND BRINGING WITH US THE NEEDS OF THE WORLD.
Leader: We come to you, for you come to us in Jesus,
ALL:  AND YOU KNOW BY EXPERIENCE
WHAT HUMAN LIFE IS LIKE.
Leader:  We come with our faith and with our doubts;
ALL:  WE COME WITH OUR HOPES AND WITH OUR FEARS.
Leader:  We come as we are, because you invite us to come;
ALL:  AND YOU HAVE PROMISED NEVER TO TURN US AWAY.

Song
Scripture Reading
Prayers of Intercession
The Invitation
Song
Prayer for the Laying-on of hands  (said for each person by everyone)
ALL:  SPIRIT OF THE LIVING GOD, PRESENT WITH US NOW,
ENTER YOU, BODY, MIND AND SPIRIT,
AND HEAL YOU OF ALL THAT HARMS YOU,
IN JESUS’ NAME.  AMEN.
Closing prayer and blessing
 

Having had chemo less than a week from surgery failed to give me the resources I needed to cope with the toxic chemicals and feelings of nausea. But – despite a lousy few days, Saturday dawned with surprising energy!  My dear friend Mariela was here to clean (always a lift!), I walked all the way around the quad (courtyard, indoors), went wig shopping with Karen out of desperate need (!) and walked to the buffet dining room with her for a good dinner. Then she brought up summer clothes from my storage bin and we rearranged winter/summer stuff that gave me a tremendous boost of mental energy! Here is the ‘new look’ – the only wig to fit but one that Karen really liked a lot, saying I should wear it all the time. I definitely will, when out, but I’ve always found them to be somewhat itchy so close to scalp. I’ve had people do a ‘double-take’ and others not recognize me (until I smiled, I was told!) and most seem to say it’s great. Despite the photo, it IS the color of my hair – so much for cosmetic adjustment! Chemo may age one; wigs take off ten years!
Sunday was not as good a day, probably because I got spoiled by all of Karen’s attention the day before. She keeps my spirits ‘up,’ for sure. I managed to go to the Sunday Brunch but without much enthusiasm.  Today, Monday, dawned much better and I feel that I am back on the upswing from Chemo 2. So much so that I invited my spiritual direction Peer Group to meet here this afternoon!  I’m not to drive as long as I am on narcotics (ha-ha…would be arrested if in accident….I’m SURE I’ve done it in the past without thinking though!) Anyway there were four out of five of us present for our session today. One brought some sandwiches and homemade oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, and I had some hummus and crackers. We’ll break for the summer and resume here at Greenspring in September. A most congenial group that I look forward to each month. Episcopalian lay woman, Methodist pastor, Catholic Benedictine sister, Episcopalian priest and me, the Presbyterian/ecumenite.
Tomorrow afternoon is the day of the Healing Service at the Iona Abbey.  I will join them at 4 pm EDT as they lay hands on people in the healing circle. You are invited to join in as well. The prayer, once again, said for each person is:
SPIRIT OF THE LIVING GOD, PRESENT WITH US NOW,
ENTER YOU, BODY, MIND AND SPIRIT
AND HEAL YOU OF ALL THAT HARMS YOU
IN JESUS’ NAME. AMEN.
Just picture all those for whom you wish healing and offer the prayer. I like the fact that it is not specific, presuming that a particular outcome might be “right” but rather says “all that harms you” – a wonderfully open and receptive attitude of grace and blessing.
The week includes appointments of various sorts so you may not hear again till the end of the week. You may pray that my appetite remains good and that I regain a few lost pounds. However, I can now wear some slacks that I couldn’t get into 🙂 a big triumph since I put on eight pounds since moving here, which is not unusual. Assume that all is ‘uphill’ unless you hear otherwise!

Chemo this time began with me feeling queasy – not a good sign – so they added another drug to help.  Being only 6 days out of surgery my body was not quite up to the regimen and I confess that it’s been a tough week. Eating has been a problem as expected and I am extra weak and half nauseated.  No energy to put up blog or even to recite details of malaise! Karen came out today and although we had several items on our agenda, I was not fit to do more than one. But thankfully, that was accomplished. She is so very patient and understanding when I feel so rotten. A good nurse! And right now I’m feeling well enough to tackle the blog for a bit.
Wednesday morning we went to the pulmonologist and learned that I am feeling winded/short of breath because my body has been under assault for several months plus I have an elevated left hemidiaphragm, some anemia, chemo, cancer, recovery from surgery and – out of condition!!  I am to rest and slowly add one of the “pulmonary toilet” (Ha!!!) activities – like the “A Capella” blow bottle and the inhaler and walking more. Had never heard of such a term before! I also have had a persistent cough that wouldn’t stop and was wearing me out with pain at incision sites. Finally, yesterday I was prescribed a miracle pill that works by reducing the reflex in the lungs that sets off the coughing. It works…. but the odor it seems to give off when I breathe is horrid – like some wilted flower! Of course the chemo causes me to taste and smell differently too.
As soon as I feel up to it we will go wig shopping. I was told that I might expect to begin losing hair. Although the drug only causes minimal hair loss, I have very little to begin with! Hope I can beat the clock; few shops seem to carry the extra small size.
While this wild scenario is going on I am paying close attention to the pilgrimage group who tomorrow will be leaving Glasgow and going by bus and two ferries to the Hebridean island of Iona. (Check out “Shalem Institute” on Facebook for daily ‘postcards’)
Thanks for your continuing support for my own journey.
 

Since I got “sprung” from the hospital on Friday afternoon I had a “Holiday Weekend” to look forward to. Not much to report except that Karen spent Friday night and most of Saturday with me and helped me get settled with assorted devices and meds. Didn’t realize how much help I truly needed! Surgery was indeed a whammy to cope with.
I actually slept 12 hours Saturday night, thanks to a combo brew I chose! Yesterday, Sunday, Karen and Ben, Kate and Daniel were all here to join me in the usual brunch which is an assortment of tasty breakfast, lunch and dinner offerings. It’s always fun to have family around. A little later my friend Elise (originally from Holland and the instigator of all things bowls in my life) arrived and stayed for a few hours. She does massage and played the bowls on my body and we visited.  Lovely time with her healing touch. Last night was a tough night with hip pain on both sides that kept me tossing and pitching in bed until I finally took more pain med (and 1/2 sleeping pill).  Got to sleep around two – for five hours.
Today a dear friend picked me up for a hair appointment. I had no energy for this but I was in “Hair ER” and was certainly in no shape to drive! Such a gift. Here at Greenspring they have a Memorial Day buffet between one and three – which, due to the norovirus and super-sanitary conditions, meant that there was a line all the way around the dining room! (Only one buffet line as everything was served with gloves on.) Someone held a place for me as I could not stand for that amount of time. Grateful for the care and concern though. We went through this in January too. Wicked stuff and the last thing I need right now!!  My neighbors down the hall came to visit for a bit this afternoon. He is the big tomato grower among the gardeners and things are ‘poppin’.
My surgeon called this evening to check up on me which was welcome as I have felt that my breathing is most discouraging. I hyperventilate too much, huffing and puffing when walking slowly or talking slowly so that I must sit down. He thought I sounded okay and that maybe some anxiety was involved. My expectations are more like it! He admitted that I had a right to feel as I do, and to be disappointed but feels it will improve. I do my exercises diligently but can’t seem to move the little marker closer to the goal. One is a blow tube (has a little rudder in it that purrrrrs!) and an inhaling spirometer which should show progress in my intake. Before all this c-stuff I could inhale just fine, just couldn’t exhale more than 50% of it. Something new and different every day to cope with, I guess.
Tomorrow members of my church are picking me up and taking me to and from the chemo which will hopefully be a break for Karen. She has been so faithful with everything. An appointment with the pulmonologist on Wednesday morning completes my “new regular” associations with doctors.
ANNOUNCEMENT – Mark your Calendars:
On Tuesday afternoon, June 4, at 4 pm (9 pm Scottish time) – a week from tomorrow – the Shalem Pilgrimage group to the Isle of Iona will be having their evening prayer service in the Abbey, including the healing circle prayers.  (I sent a photo of it recently as well as the words to the prayer.) Please join them in prayers for healing as one of them will be in the circle for me. 🙂 If you have groups that might want to join in this “prayer by air” to the ‘thin place’ of Iona, please join us. It is a powerful place. Transfer the ‘power of place’ to wherever you are.
 

I am delighted to be in a place of silence: HOME!  No sleep first night.  No, I’m not an environmentally adaptive person! However, last night I had my ear plugs and eye mask that Karen brought me and the staff didn’t wake me for “vitals” at a rigid hour.  Probably got a good six hours sleep.  Wonderful care and people.
One liter of fluid was removed; the drain was taken out this afternoon.  Sigh!  I still have a pain med in a small grenade (Karen’s word!) that I carry around in a shoulder bag for ‘nerve endings’ where the tube acts like a sprinkler hose around my lung. I’m mostly on just extra-strength Tylenol. Am surprised that I was only there for two days and each day does bring improvement of some kind. I’m still short of breath when talking (no chuckles, please!) and walking too briskly. When I got home I practically collapsed into the lazyboy and fell asleep, -even woke myself snoring! Karen had to persuade me to come out of my comfy cocoon and get ready for dinner.  We went down to the dining room and joined a table of five others where I quickly began to forget myself in the chatter. Good friends all around.
I’m doing so well that the surgeon and oncologist agreed that I should have my 2nd chemo on the regular (former) schedule, which means next Tuesday, not delayed a week. Goal is to be aggressive since the lung biopsy showed a lot of cancer cells, kill them off with chemo and build bone tissue with the Xgeva, so I can return to pickleball, he said! I hope! But for now it’s one day at a time. Best of all, I have such a supreme bevy of supporters all around. Offers for rides and all kinds of extras. One woman here at Greenspring told me this evening that she had put my name on yet another prayer list!  Don’t forget the Iona prayer for healing. The Shalem Pilgrimage begins next week; I would have gone for my 4th trip there; they will stand in the healing circle for me instead. Iona is a powerful “thin place” and one of the earliest of the earth’s creation. The prayer which I have cited earlier from the Iona Abbey is –
SPIRIT OF THE LIVING GOD, PRESENT WITH US NOW,
ENTER YOU, BODY, MIND AND SPIRIT,
AND HEAL YOU OF ALL THAT HARMS YOU,
IN JESUS’ NAME.  AMEN.
Everyone in the circle has hands laid upon hands on their head and the prayer repeated for each person. Then another circle of people kneel or stand for healing prayer. Yes, you come to memorize it by the end of the service! We all need it for wholeness, so picture yourself there too!

Healing circle
Iona Abbey
(Founded by St. Columba in 563 A.D.)

Iona, north end
One mile x three miles

I discovered this little poem in the book Life Prayers (same series as Earth Prayers),  shared it Monday night and feel led to share it with you.  It sort of fits my day.  Maybe it will fit yours too!!
This is It
and I am It
and You are It
and so is
That
and He is It
and She is It
and It is It
and That is That.
O It is This
and It is Thus
and It is Them
and it is Us
and it is Now
and here It is
and here We are
so This is It.
– James Broughton
A bunch of nonsense or some profound mystery….choose!
“Carpe diem” as David used to say when in college.

It was almost like feeling normal again!  I had two super days on Sunday and Monday that allowed me to enjoy some energy!  The highlight, though, was last night and being able to host my Shalem Circle, one of a number of small groups of people who have graduated from Shalem extension programs and are part of the Shalem Society. (www.shalem.org) We meet to support one another in our personal and professional endeavors as well as for general sharing. Our commonality is love of the contemplative way of living.  It was the first time my group had been to Greenspring and I was definitely ‘up’ for the occasion. I was able to delight in tending to food and candles and special tea (creme brulet!) The evening was both exhilarating and empowering. I didn’t feel ill or pain! Just joy, sheer joy!  Nothing like sharing space, words and silence with those who share one’s life’s stance. The power of that group lingered long after they left … the vibes of very dear friends who brought treasures beyond the tangible love offerings.
Naturally, a photo of us was in order,  but Ann forgot how to use the self-timer!  So you can piece these together for an idea of our merry group.

Verleah Kosloske, Leah Rampey, Ann, Leslie Miller, Phil Stone
Today, Tuesday, Karen and I met at the thoracic surgeon’s office for an assessment of my situation, i.e. increased breathing difficulty with increased pleural effusion. With great skill Dr. Khandhar reviewed different options and the likelihood of success of each as they are fit into the chemotherapy regimen. As a result I will have surgery tomorrow, Wednesday, at 1 pm at Inova Fairfax Hospital, and expect to be discharged on Friday to return to my apartment.  Karen will be with me as you might know. 🙂 I’m so relieved not to be in the hospital over Memorial Day Weekend (or any weekend for that matter!) The surgery is called pleurodesis which should offer permanent relief if successful. Chemo is being postponed a week until June 4 so I’ll be recuperated enough for the second whammy!
Till I get my ‘second breath!’   Goodnight……
 

I was an only child, much to my disappointment. And yet, when we moved in 1942 a new life opened for me with neighborhood friends. My dad had been the local high school principal and we lived in the “Principal’s apartment”-over the school cafeteria! The building had once been a country club (1920s) and been called the “Casino!” I can identify all the rooms from living there for my first eight years. I rode my bike down the long central hall!  The living room had French doors opening to a “High
Porch.” It is long gone and the school – no longer the Catonsville High School as seen below.
It was an isolated existence and friends would be ‘imported’ for me to play with. However, once we moved to a small home in the community I was elated to discover other children close in age. I was entering fourth grade. A new acquaintance, Kathy Crook, was beginning third and we became fast friends; I soon considered her my sister and still do. Today, thanks to her granddaughter’s loving offer, she came to visit me at Greenspring. Seventy-one years of friendship and the memories continue to pour forth! We played house with our dolls underneath card tables covered with sheets. We tried copying pictures from coloring books that summer, got mad, made up, and shared about everything. We giggled during  ‘sleepovers’ until my mother would call out, “ANN!” I loved going to her house where we would get Oreos or ice cream, and she preferred my house where there were usually home-baked treats. We met at the corner and walked to and from school together. Her family lived with her grandparents who happened to have a chauffeur. If it was raining, I would eagerly look for “George” although Kathy nearly died of embarrassment  when she would see him pull up! The years have passed with both of us having “thick and thin” moments to get through, and despite our differences – which are significant – the bonding remains.

We cherish it and thank Amanda’s generosity for making the day so special. Karen joined us for lunch at the cafe where we all indulged in quesadillas. Kathy is recuperating from a knee replacement and is truly amazing in her fortitude and determination to keep improving. We both managed to walk the whole ‘quad’ without damage to hips or knees!
How’s that for friendship?!

Ann      (Ann Zimmerman Kulp)
Kathy   (Katharine Crook Heidelbach)
   May 16, 2013   –  71 years later!

Amanda Wagstaff                   Karen Grumbles
 

Entry from Karen this time…
First, thanks to everybody for your kind words of support. I think that there have been plenty of moments when I wonder how I am still functioning and your support must be what is working!
We continue this week without any sense of ‘status quo’.  Each day seems to hold its own unanticipated event or discovery.   Although Mom has this wonderfully strong and resilient spirit, her body has been and is incredibly weak.  Yesterday morning, Mom received the results of her CT scan from last Thursday with a phone call from her pulmonologist. His report is that her pleural effusion has grown significantly; he recommends thorascopic surgery to help her feel more comfortable breathing.   We relayed the news to the oncologist, with whom we had a scheduled appointment a few hours later.  As is to be expected after a round of chemo, her white blood cell count is down so no surgery should be done until it is back on the rise again.  The doctors and thoracic surgeon are now all talking to one another. Tentatively, we will expect her to have the minimally invasive surgery to permanently seal the pleural cavity (so no more fluid build up) the middle to end of next week.  She will be in the hospital for about two days.   Her next round of chemo may or may not continue on her current schedule, depending on how long her recuperation takes.
My biggest concern right now is that we do all that we can to help my Mom keep up her strength and her weight.  It is just so difficult to eat when you don’t have an appetite. Many of you ask what you can do to help her, which is just so much appreciated!  I would say 1) be a loving presence at anytime; 2) be a companion at dinnertime; 3) bring food from cafe or someplace if she isn’t up to getting out; 4) offer to pick up mail; and 5) continue the love from wherever you happen to be because it IS tangible.
Thanks again!  Hugs.
Ann’s two-bits worth here.  How thankful can one be for such a helpful daughter?…. even doing the update for you.  I’m incredibly grateful.
On Monday my cousin Rocky visited from Thurmont. He is the one who helps keep the “Summit House” in PA cared for which is a godsend.  Thanks to iPhone – here we are! 
Thursday my friend Kathy (from childhood days ) will be visiting from her retirement community in MD, thanks to her granddaughter Amanda.  A great gesture to help us get together since Kathy is recuperating from a knee replacement.
Just learned I have a consultation with the surgeon next Tuesday morning – 8:30! Don’t blink! Things happen pretty fast around here!

Excellent intro to chemo but subsequent experiences not exactly on the recommended list.  Enjoyed playing a couple games of pickle ball Thursday morning; that was the end of ‘fun.’ Afternoon brought extreme pain in right hip and I was unable to walk to get mail or carryout dinner; good friends helped out. I became a druggie overnight progressing from one pain med to another and accomplished the goal of spending Friday in bed. Canceled my looked-forward-to massage as a result. Not interested in food (almost exactly as predicted: 72 hours).
Karen came on Saturday because I was pretty weak and helpless and took me for my hair appointment. (A MUST, had you seen me).  No sooner did we get home than I had some lower abdominal pain.  Oncologist advised me to go to the Inova Healthplex (shorter wait than hospital) but we were there for 4 hours and ended up with blood work and more scans but no real answer to problem. Perhaps some dehydration. Depressing. Karen ended up spending the night with me and attending to every need. Trying to keep up with my various pain and nausea meds plus tempting me to try certain foods became quite a challenge!
Today, Mothers’ Day, we had a little breakfast and later went to the dining room for their Sunday Mothers’ Day brunch.  Very nice and I tried to eat a reasonable amount. Now I am at Karen’s where we watched “Les Miserables” on their big HD screen this afternoon. We had seen the stage show so this was an interesting comparison. An all-time favorite for us both.

Monday, May 6:  The pulmonology appointment was apparently in error and I made an unnecessary trip.  It did give me time to fill the gas tank and ‘down’ an Ensure (they want some weight on me for good measure) and then off to my Peer Group meeting.  As spiritual directors we reflect on our calling by taking turns each month being the directee, all with the purpose of uncovering any personal ‘blocks’ that might stand in our way of listening to another. This is a collegial and warm small group where the hostess, a super cook, always has delicacies ready for us to feast on! She also has a deluxe Lazyboy which has been a godsend for me! It was a meaningful gathering as usual.  That same evening I suddenly developed a tickling cough that was difficult to stop. Especially when talking (no retorts, please!). Very annoying … but was glad that I now had a pulmonology appointment for Wednesday!
Chemo day:  Wondrous surprise: I was given Aloxi prior to the chemo which meant I would have no nausea for three days!  My biggest fear vanished!  Then twenty minutes of Alimta during which time Karen did my nails and we chatted, and then an hour of Carboplatin during which time I lounged in the recliner and listened to Beethoven’s “Emperor Concerto”  (ah, nirvana) … and finally began rereading Rachel Remen’s second book, My Grandfather’s Blessings. You may recall her first one: Kitchen Table Wisdom. I have used that one numerous times for quiet days and retreats; the stories are so meaningful for personal reflection.  I am discovering that I needed the sequel – right now.  I strongly recommend this book as one that adds delightful meaning to ‘blessing’ – from the origins in the Kabbalah as well as its stories that lift the spirit. (I’ll close with a quote from it.) The first chemo infusion seems to have gone quite smoothly; I was told that it was the easiest part of chemo! Back at the apartment I continued to feel good so Karen and I had dinner at the Fireside dining room where I had a good sized meal! Hallelujah! The various meds are working!
Today, I saw the pulmonologist. As always there is a spirometry test for lung function. Disappointing results as I have lost another large percentage. My normal is about 74 (with asthma and lobectomy), last month was in the 60s and today was 55. Concern. I knew that my breathing was becoming more shallow and labored after climbing stairs. At the Cathedral I mistakenly walked up to the nave from the crypt via stairs with the statue of Lincoln praying on his knees, and ended up sitting and huffing and puffing for almost three minutes. Lying down to sleep I’m aware that I can’t get into that alpha state as easily.  Thanks be to Ambien! My cough? Don’t know. It could be post-nasal drip for which I take medicine, or it could be that my pleural effusion has expanded from its former size of small. I’m able to control it somewhat through concentration or cough drop or mint, but it is annoying. Tomorrow I will have another CT scan of my lung to compare with the last (first) one on February 23. Less than three months and look where I am! I feel like this Darth Vader is on a galloping horse! Then I come back to Remen’s book as I was reading about blessings. I am grateful for so much and I am blessed.  I think my mantra will be:  I am thankful/ I am blessed.
Still no nausea and eating well. Come Friday I can take more anti-nausea meds if needed. That is also likely to  be my “low” day (afternoon) when the fatigue really begins to ‘hit.’ I’m hoping that the ‘hit’ won’t be incapacitating! I’m looking forward to my cousin Rocky and Lana coming down on Monday from Thurmont. And on Tuesday I see the oncologist again for a check on the chemo treatment. I’ll have four treatments – every third week. Karen has signed on to accompany me again. Fun opportunity to visit and we ‘covered the waterfront!’
No pictures this time. Just want to answer the many questions about how the chemo went. So far the chemo is minor and the lungs are major. Leg pain is minimal and under control but I admit to being weaker. Hoping to play some ‘light’ pickle ball though. Karen is coming tomorrow to give me another reflexology treatment…. it’s all about love.  🙂
Here are some words that had special meaning for me yesterday.
      “Those who bless and serve life find a place of belonging and strength, a refuge from living in ways that are meaningless and empty and lonely. Blessing life moves us closer to each other and closer to our authentic selves. When people are blessed they discover that their lives matter, that there is something in them worthy of blessing. And when you bless others, you may discover this same thing is true about yourself.
     We do not serve the weak or the broken. What we serve is the wholeness in each other and the wholeness in life. The part in you that I serve is the same part that is strengthened in me when I serve. …
     When we offer our blessings generously, the light in the world is strengthened, around us and in us.”       – Rachel Naomi Remen, My Grandfather’s Blessings 
 
 
 

By the time you finish reading about the diversity of the past week you will wonder “which Ann” is the real one!

Monday was another fun mother-daughter day over lunch with the usual exchanges of food and miscellany. Tuesday morning I played pickle ball and then prepared for my late afternoon departure for the Washington National Cathedral where the Crossroads program is held the last Tuesday of each month. There are two very large labyrinths in the nave between 6 and 8:45 pm with a special one hour program between 7:30-8:30. My topic was “The Spirituality of Sound and Silence” …. and I had my Tibetan Singing Bowls, all nine of them…. plus the little meditation bowl that Karen had given me in the mid-eighties to get me started.  🙂   Here is the setting in Bethlehem Chapel …  and yours truly ….
                   

At the end I invited those who wished to, to come forward to try sounding the bowls and the response was literally thunderous! At the same time Shalem wanted a group photo … so here are the bowls (minus the experimenters)   and my Shalem groupies!
It was an exhilarating experience for me, not just my usual delight in sharing the vibrations. It was feeling supported by so many friends – from the Cathedral, from Shalem, from various spiritual journeys – plus my family members and dear Jane from Danforth Graduate days who flew in from Chicago and met me there! Many others also joined us after walking the labyrinth. The memories will forever resound in the recesses of my mind. A bonus was being totally pain-free and feeling the ‘normal’ Me.

Wednesday Jane and I had breakfast here in the Cafe; naturally the plumbing crew at Greenspring had chosen that day to turn off water in two residence buildings for pressure repair! We had a great visit … a real lift to see and visit with her. And then to National Airport.
Here are the pics we took of each other before heading out…
  
Napped some in the afternoon and reflected on the day to come.

Thursday was the annual Village Fair here at Greenspring and I had volunteered to sit at the Pickleball table for one of the three hours.  🙂 Of course! For those of you who have inquired about this mysterious sport, recently highlighted on CBS as taking over the country, here are several videos to explore!

After lunch I met Karen at the oncologist’s office for instruction in chemo procedures. I got a Vitamin B12 shot (one every 9 weeks) and six prescriptions: “hi-test” folic acid, a drug for possible rash, an if-needed nausea drug, a drug for day-before, day-of, and day-after chemo (sounds like something else besides nausea pill, doesn’t it?!), a cream to put on the port an hour in advance, and a pain patch for leg (may or may not work).  Of course I signed my life away just like when entering surgery – which seemed rather humorous!  After much angst over the issue of one drug (Alimta) vs. two (combined with Carboplatin) I decided to take the doctor’s recommendation and do both.  The results have proven that for women 79+ (just got under the fence) they yield a 10% better result together and – who knows? – in my situation maybe 10% will prove advantageous. Note: the first oncologist had recommended the same. I was assured that the combo can be discontinued at any time and that there are ways to manage side effects to minimize problems, and that the phone will be answered at any time I have a concern or question.

Friday: ah, the mediport.  One of my church friends took me to the hospital and Karen was there to bring me home.  I had been shown all of the paraphernalia the day before as well as at the hospital.  I have the smallest port they could find implanted under the skin on my right side between 2nd and 3rd ribs.  I also have a very small incision on my lower neck where the tube from the port is connected to a vein.  I was very woozy after the surgery, unlike previous biopsies with the same two substances (versed and fetanyl) and was wobbly for a few hours.  No pain until I awoke during the night from finding myself sleeping on that side and spot!  I am plastered with steri-strips on top of glue and self-dissolving stitches.

Saturday:  No pickleball for me for a week.  🙁    Not that I was up to it this morning, of course!  Slept off and on till about nine and then ‘prepared’ for the cleaning woman.  No comments, men!  In the afternoon I went for a hair appointment, returning to have dinner with a friend from my days as educator in the UCC. A good thirty years ago. I have also spent the day going crazy from itching or from soreness! Keeps one focused!  Diverts my attention from hip/leg pain!  All should be healed in a week.

Now that my “commitments” are history, I am in for the long haul. Karen has taken a leave of absence to be my helper and support, as needed. It grieves me because she so loves her work at House of Steep, a tea and foot sanctuary in Arlington where she has been a manager and is learning reflexology…. yet I understand her finding it difficult to focus under these unwelcome circumstances. Meanwhile David offers his support (and Tamara’s) via e-mail and phone. My four cousins have stayed connected and caring as well; one (with his wife) surprised me at the cathedral Tuesday; he claimed it was the only way to track me down!  Another has been looking after the house at Blue Ridge Summit, PA for me, even getting it cleaned in my absence! I’m sure I’ve forgot to name someone…. please forgive.

Next on the docket:  First chemo. Tuesday, May 7 at 1:00 pm. “God-willin’ and the crick don’t rise!” About 2-3 hours….private room, lazyboy type chair, TV, …. all the comforts of home! Karen will accompany me for the first session in order to see how I react when leaving. These will be every 3 weeks for about 4-6 treatments, with evaluation after 2 or 3. I will also get my second monthly injection of Xgeva for bone protection. The following Tuesday, May 14, I have an appointment with the oncologist, Dr. David Heyer.

In the meantime I have an appointment with my pulmonologist on Monday morning.  It’s a  follow-up to see if any of my meds need adjusting.  In the afternoon I have my Peer Group meeting (spiritual directors gather for purposes of remaining accountable). I’m convener this month, meaning I will choose something in the way of a centering prayer or poem or reading or scripture for us to use as an opening.  Good friends too.

It seems that I’ve written a book. As the title says, it’s been a full week! My hip pain seems to come and go, calling my attention to it periodically. But I am ever so grateful that it can be managed so far with minimal pain meds. Monday I’ll learn how my lung function/breathing is doing.

For those of you who are ready to tell me to slow down  🙂  I have next to nothing other than what you see above on my calendar! This is charting a new path. I’ve yielded to the obvious and surrendered to the whatever. And I am surrounded by a multitude of family and friends along with their good wishes, prayers and untold support. I feel it and give thanks.

This past weekend I was able to keep my commitment to lead a women’s retreat near Harper’s Ferry, WV. A beautiful Methodist camp/conference center in the woods where – through the trees, light green and still thin – one could look down and see the sparkling waters of the Potomac River. Twenty-seven of us enjoyed opportunities for fellowship and for “Listening for the Mystery: Speak, for your servant is listening.”  (I Sam. 3:10) The time together included learning: to be still, to experience silence, and to practice listening and attentiveness. Not an easy task for most of us in this ultra busy day and age with all the i-gadgets! Topics covered were our longing for God or ‘the ache;’ sound and silence (through Tibetan singing bowls); noticing God in everything, (primarily through objects of nature); and listening practices that can aid us to ‘be still and know.’ It was rewarding to hear that many women actually learned to appreciate the value of silence.  (Recommended books/CDs below)
I had been dubious about being able to make it to the retreat on the previous Tuesday when my body had utterly failed me. I awoke in great pain and could barely walk on my right leg, limping in pain that evening to the private dining room where our hall had its quarterly dinner.  Sitting wasn’t much better.  Yet – – –  Praises be! – the next day Karen was here and we walked all the way around the lake!  Talk about miracles!!  I’ll take them! I was also grateful for my dear friend Linda who as a pastor with responsibilities of her own came to the retreat as my support and possible backup. Her contributions were so apt and helpful too.
My body held up 🙂  except for the 75 mile drive to and from the site when I learned that I must find a suitable cushion for my spine…..
This night owl actually made it to bed last night by 11 pm.  !!
Today Karen came for one of her visits, a lift in my day since I had been awakened around 5 a.m. with pain and needed some Vicodin to go back to sleep. Still on Tylenol otherwise. We had tea together – my favorite: French caramel creme brulet! We changed bedclothes, and went through three shelves of stuff in back corner of the den…. and she went home with a bag of things (yea! a touch of uncluttering!).
Now for the last bit of preparations for tomorrow evening’s program at the National Cathedral, “The Spirituality of Sound and Silence,” using my Tibetan singing bowls. The vibrations feed my soul as they do so many others. For those in the D.C. area, it will be held in the Bethlehem Chapel between 7:30 and 8:30. As part of the Crossroads Program, it includes a labyrinth walk in the nave between 6 and 8:45 p.m.
The remainder of the week is medical. On Thursday I have an appointment at the oncologist’s office for more lab work and a session on chemotherapy – what to expect, procedure, and some decision making regarding drugs.  (Karen with me).  It is my understanding that I will be checked after two weeks or so to monitor effectiveness.  On Friday I have an outpatient appointment at the hospital to have a MediPort inserted (to spare me injections at each treatment). Many of you are acquainted with this procedure, I know.    All for now!
Recommended books:
John Kirvan, God Hunger
Macrina Wiederkehr, A Tree Full of Angels
Nan Merrill, Psalms for Praying
Eva Rudy Jansen, Singing Bowls, A Practical Handbook of Instruction and Use  

Recommended CDs:
Songs of Presence, Contemplative Chants for the New Millenium
(produced by PRAXIS and All Saints Episcopal Church)
I Thank You God – Messiah College Concert Choir
(www.markcustom.com)
Libera  (has “Te Lucis” by boy choir on it & other beauties) – Amazon
Any album by Libera is a treat but only the above has that piece
Seven Metals, Singing Bowls of Tibet – Benjamin Jobst – – Amazon
ENJOY!! 
 
 

I am continuing to perk along, still playing pickleball and a little tennis, though a bit more winded.  One Tylenol twice a day keeps me pretty pain-free — so far. Doc says I have good air movement through my lungs and heart sounds fine. Conditions to be aware of are increased pain, shortness of breath, and unintended weight loss/loss of appetite/weakness. Not surprisingly the oncologist recommends that I have chemo. It is supposedly helpful with reducing cancer symptoms. Options are to do nothing or to try chemotherapy – either one drug or two. (Alimpta alone or with Carboplatin). Chemo buys 3-6 months on average. My quality of life depends on lots of variables. I don’t tolerate nausea well at all (chemo), or bone pain (no chemo) which deprives me of sleep. Give or take, I suppose. “Plus” here, “minus” there. Lots of discernment issues going on.
The tentative plan is that I lead the retreat next weekend as well as the Cathedral Crossroads event with my singing bowls on the 30th. After that I will attend a chemotherapy teaching session and schedule the implantation of a port.  In the meantime Karen and I will confer about the chemo. She has been invaluable as my amazing note-taker! I have no idea how we could have a sensible conversation otherwise – so much to take in. As you might expect, I asked lots of questions as it is important that I prioritize my time – before I don’t have that option.  😉
A new book I was given  (Holy Vulnerability: A Spiritual Path for Those with Cancer  by Donna Shaper) talks about “the passage from control to compassion.”  Control? Me?! Okay, I’m growing more and more aware of how few choices I really have. I’m beginning to learn that saying ‘No’ is necessary sometimes, and no longer a choice.
With the advent of some exquisite spring weather last week – ah, those cherry blossoms, here so few days – and now the soft light green opening of leaves that is my favorite spring sight. My four azaleas are very close to opening and dogwood trees in the area are in bloom. The birds are twittering away and a robin seems determined to build a nest up on my patio light … no luck, I had a friend attach a tennis ball up there (they won’t build a nest on anything round, I was told!). Not that I don’t like the baby birds, but mommy was littering the entrance to my apartment with her twigs and grasses! Which brings me to my closing thought on birds …. something I ‘happened upon’ back in 2003 when I took the QE 2 to England with my childhood friend. It was to celebrate the five year anniversary of my first lung cancer, the 50th anniversary of my exchange year from W&M to U.of Exeter, and an opportunity to visit about a half dozen British friends. On the way from Southampton to London the train made a stop in Worcester. Naturally I wanted to see the cathedral. Ever checking out book nooks… I felt fortunate to see a little card with the message below. The subject for me is HOPE. I am not without hope, despite the numbers. And prayer can be a fleeting thought … or object … like the Kingfisher!

DISCLOSURE

PRAYER is like watching for the
Kingfisher.  All you can do is
Be where he is likely to appear, and
 Wait.
Often, nothing much happens;
There is space, silence and
  Expectancy.
No visible sign, only the
Knowledge that he’s been there,

  And may come again.

Seeing or not seeing cease to matter;
You have been prepared.
But sometimes,
when you’ve almost
Stopped expecting it,
A flash of brightness

                                   Gives encouragement.          (no author cited)

     With all your comments, replies, phone calls, e-mails and encounters, you provide me with a treasured gift.
I cherish each kind thought/prayer/positive image …
and, yes, even humor.  You know me …. I laugh lots….
along with trying to be attentive to the Holy – which is – everywhere!
(Significance of the hummingbird – coming up soon!)
 
 

The beginning of a new path was determined yesterday.  After waiting for the oncologist meeting, and another long wait to see if my biopsy sample contained a match for a DNA mutation, I learned yesterday that I did not test positive, which would have allowed me to take a pill a day.  🙁   So I won’t be getting teenage acne, the major side effect!  It would have been the best way to go and, naturally, I am disappointed as are Karen and David.  It’s hard to take in and yet I’ve been living on the edge of this possibility for weeks.  On the morning of March 22 I  learned that my lung cancer had spread to the spine.  I now had metastatic lung cancer for which there is no cure. That night I wrote in my journal:  “March 22, 2013  Friday.  The day I learned to face dying (underlined). Well, I’ve taught courses on it but have never been punched in the gut with it before.” And I went on to describe where I was when the news came.  Today was the end of waiting for a very hopeful treatment.   It’s a terrible shock, obviously, but I must now move on to the next stage which is chemo.  I see the oncologist, whom I like very much, next Thursday.  Chemo will probably begin the following Monday…. or I may wait till the beginning of May after my responsibilities for the weekend retreat plus  the cathedral presentation on Sound and Silence (Tibetan bowls) are behind me.
Radiation is only given for pain (in metastatic lung cancer to spine, i.e. when my bones shout out!)  I learned that the hip/leg pain in the soft tissues is actually referred pain from the cancer in my femur.  🙁   So far I am managing on a simple Tylenol with lots of stronger backups available should I need them.  I continue to play pickleball and began tennis last Monday.  Although I played poorly after 2-3 years off the court, it was invigorating.  Discovered that my racquet handle cover has deteriorated much like me!
I look forward to connecting with many of you but will postpone responding until all is prepared for the retreat and the cathedral.  I’m sure you understand.  I’ve found it very difficult to stay concentrated these past weeks, easily succumbing to distractions…. a common trait related to my tendency to procrastinate.  🙂  I also confess to finding it easy to fall asleep in any chair, even computer chair (!), a practice I used to observe only at the dining room table after dinner.
Thanks to David I now have a website.  I have LOTS to learn.  I’ll begin to post news as soon as I get the hang of it.   It is: http://annkulp.org/
My theme is the Hummingbird, a favorite bird and totem for me.  More about that once I get started.  If you want to receive an e-mail notice when a posting occurs, there will be a place on the site (right side) where you can subscribe.
Many, many thanks to everyone for the floods of continuing support in the midst of sudden change.  I can’t believe all this has occurred within a mere 8 week period.  Your prayers are coveted.  And for those to whom the word “prayer” conjures up some ritualistic formula and resistance, let me say that I subscribe to the belief that every thought is a prayer. Forget the words!  Think – feel – see in your mind’s eye – image love, peace, all good!  Which language would the Divine choose?!  Funny, isn’t it?  My prayer is that I can continue to live life to the fullest, whatever and however it turns out to be.  Please, I’m not being morbid! It could be ? months or years and who knows what the medical field will come up with, given the proliferation of new drugs? – or some surprise miracle with all the support and prayers I’ve been graced with?   God is good!  The Holy One – think the highest kind of Love and Power you can imagine  –  accompanies me on this journey.  I live in hope and appreciation for so much, despite the blow. I’m sure there will be highs and lows, and very lows; I’m not unrealistic.  But, dear God, please let me finish cleaning out all the boxes and files, plus photos of every sort, plus collection of saved clippings, plus the unsorted bins at the PA house …. You know how many years I’ve talked about doing it!  🙂
In the meantime, you have this website where I’ll try to share some of my favorite resources as well as tidbits from life’s saga.  Feel free to send some to me too!  I love you all!