After my son and daughter have taken turns with blogging for me I decided to put in a word or two from my own mouth…. what’s going on and how it feels.
The basic news of “progress” has subsided and I am now simply enduring whatever comes next, mainly periodic pain in spine and cervical tissue plus continuing shortness of breath…. and now oxygen. My resting oxygen is 97 but when I walk to the elevator and dinner it drops to 69! Whoa! I trail 25 feet of tubing around the apartment which can be a bit of a hazard! I have a portable attachment but haven’t tried it out on the rollator yet since I don’t feel up to ‘hiking’ to the dining room. Appetite and stamina not back up to par by any means. I do enjoy the company of friends, chats, and reading when I can stay awake! The lazyboy is a huge temptation as you might guess – when wiped out most of the time.
Lots of visitors who have spent nights here and offered immeasurable help with household and preparing small meals. If food is offered I tend to find it easier to eat … Need to work on appetite. David was here for a spell last week, then my childhood friend for a few days. The friend from Holland who introduced me to the bowls was here today, thanks to two friends who very kindly brought her over from MD. Several relatives are wanting to visit but I am not always up for company. Very sporadic health. Up one day; down the next. Be sure to call first.
Hospice folk have been here about 3 or 4 times to help me get set up. Wonderful. I appreciate the many ways they can intercede and give suggestions. I have a number I can call day or night that can bring a nurse. No “security” or “911” to hospital! That would take me off of Medicare for the day! Such complications!
My spirits are generally pretty good and my kids have been fantastic as you all can verify! David’s girls are presently here with their maternal grandparents and cousins for a good week, and then will be with Karen and me for a spell. They phoned last night and filled me in on their day. David will be here Aug. 11-13 and fly home with them.
What might I enclose as a pondering? I’ve missed offering those bits and pieces of odds and ends, so will offer the following. This begins with a personal reflection from childhood and is followed by a selection from Madeleine l’Engle that reminded me of my own when a child.
Me:
I was certainly no more than three or four and still in a crib. I had awakened and was pondering my fingers and the texture. Somehow I was led to wonder what other peoples’ fingers and thumbs might be like… and from there: What would it be like to feel as another person felt? What was the “other” person’s experience of ‘being’ like?? Like me? or different? I pinched my fingers and was consumed with texture, puffiness, with ‘otherness.’ I can still conjure up that image, even today.
Madeleine:
Then I ran across Madeleine l’Engle’s piece from A Circle of Quiet (the first of her series of three books), and it is also included in her book Glimpses of Grace with the subtitle “It is I.” Somehow it manages to connect with my experience. Perhaps you have one too….
Says ‘l Engle,”I first became aware of myself as self, as Pascal’s reed (“Man is only a reed, the feeblest reed in nature; but he is a thinking reed”), when I was seven or eight years old. We lived in an apartment on East 82nd Street in New York. My bedroom window looked out on the court, and I could see into the apartments across the way. One evening when I was looking out I saw a woman undressing by her open window. She took off her dress, stretched, stood there in her slip, not moving, not doing anything, just standing there, being.
“And that was my moment of awareness (of ontology?): that woman across the court who did not know me, and whom I did not know, was a person. She had thoughts of her own. She WAS. Our lives would never touch. I would never know her name. And yet it was she who revealed to me my first glimpse of personhood.
“When I woke up in the morning the wonder of that revelation was still with me. There was a woman across the court, and she had dreams and inner conversations which were just as real as mine and which did not include me. But she was there, she was real, and so, therefore, was everybody else in the world. And so, therefore, was I.
“I got out of bed and stood in front of the mirror and for the first time looked at myself consciously. I, too, was real, standing there thin and gawky in a white nightgown. I did more than exist. I was.
“That afternoon when I went to the park I looked at everybody I passed on the street, full of the wonder of their realness.”
Perhaps you can reflect on the meaning of ‘being’ or ‘isness,’ or ‘self’ and what it means. I find it powerful, especially when we realize how we are part of the whole of creation. Who am I? Who are you? Who is the whole remainder of earth’s being?
My profound thanks to Karen and David for filling in for me – in a far superior way with medical info than I ever could. I’m sure you’ll hear from them again e’er long! Prognosis is poor but outlook remains one of living life to the fullest. A challenge for each of us!
Ann
Ann's Hummingbird
so nice to ‘hear’ your voice tonight. many years ago when i timidly asked if you would be my spiritual guide, i had no idea that. lo these many years later, you would still be fulfilling that role in my life. you are a blessing, ann.
your name (along with 2 others) remains spelled out in bananagram tiles on my dining room table. i ‘pass’ you many times each day and think of you each time in thanksgiving!
blessings,
a
So good to hear from you, Ann. Oh what a different world it would be if each one of us shared the epiphany you and Madeline L’Engle experienced. If we could see the “person” or “self” in every other person. If we could be in awe of every other being’s “being.” Thank you for providing me with today’s meditation.
And this from Rumi today …
“Inside a lover’s heart
there is another world,
and yet another.”
Thank you for sharing your “other world.”
Blessings.
J
dear Ann,
thanks for reaching out to all of us in such a sacred way. i love imagining what you are teaching your friends, family and hospice folk who are face-to-face with you these days. the power of your Message and Grace is stronger than most with very high oxygen levels.
i was especially touched by your reflections/questions of Self and Other, coupled with the visit from your Dutch friend who introduced you to singing bowls. the week after you introduced me to bowls, i found my first one. it lives in a central place in my home. every time is sit with it and its songs, i am reminded of you, our Shalem family, and our world – as those singing vibrations connect all of us.
i profoundly thank you for giving me a vessel that transports me to you and so many others, whenever i simply offer my presence.
i thank you, ‘feel’ you, celebrate you, and love you so…
Dear Ann,
Your body may be growing weaker, but your spirit is burning brightly. Your discovery, as a child, that you were real, and your curiosity about what it is like to be another person who is equally real, launched you into a life-long exploration of empathy and wisdom. It is no small thing to glimpse the fact that we are not the center of reality — and to glimpse the fact that Reality not only permeates us through and through, it also permeates other people and everything. That loving Presence will embrace and sustain you as each day goes by and will welcome you Home at your journey’s end.
Here is a prayer from the Book of Common Prayer: “This is another day, O Lord. I know not what it will bring forth, but make me ready, Lord, for whatever it may be. If I am to stand, help me to stand bravely. If I am to sit still, help me to sit quietly. If I am to lie low, help me to do it patiently. And if I am to do nothing, let me do it gallantly. Make these words more than words, and give me the Spirit of Jesus. Amen.
Thanks Ann, you continue to be an inspiration. I am with you. Lots of love
Patricia
E’er long our prayers and positive living-life-to-the-fullest thoughts go out to you, Anne! Your Being is an inspiration. Your bits and pieces wend their way into our consciousness and give us all a smiling hope. Much love is coming your way!
Sara
Dear Ann,
So good to know you ‘are’ and may not ‘be’ as physically present as you’d like, but your inner self is so very strong….and shines through your blog…
Prayers, hugs and love to you my friend – all will be well…..
It was an inspiration reading your latest post, Ann! You are such a blessing to all of us whom you have touched!
Good 2 hear from u, wish u felt better physically… I know your spirit soars even when the body is weaker… Sending you luv, peace, ‘n light thru the cosmos to lift u up and bring healing in whatever way will be useful to you in this journey of life…
I can recall a time when I was 6 in 1943 sitting on the front porch and crying because FDR had died. I can still see my little self in that pose, and I wonder what it was that made my 6 y/o self have such a deep reaction to his passing… He’s always been my fav President and Eleanor is my hero… When my grandson was here recently we went to the FDR memorial and I had Steven take a pic w/me ‘n Eleanor and I took one of him w/FDR… such a powerful monument to two amazing people. “No Ordinary Time” is one of my fav books about their life by Doris Kearns Goodwin…
May God bless u my dear and fill u w/the Holy Spirit… xo, Jan
Ann, if I can be of any help to you – driving, picking up meals, etc. please let me know. I hesitate to stop by as I know you have your ups and downs and don’t want to intrude on your privacy.
Know that you remain in my prayers,
Lynn
This is a question I find hard to ask you but it is now or never.
Do you believe in life after death as you never actually mention it ?
I can only think that our “atoms” return to the soil and atmosphere and that we live on for a while in other people’s memories.
I would like to read your response but will understand if you are unable or unwilling to send one.
Love Ann
Ann,
You are the best! Thank you for your reflections and always observing-self. It’s a gift to all.
Love,
Carol H.
Your words and strong spirit continue to inspire, Ann. Thank you! That self-awareness is such an important first step in appreciating every one else’s self as distinct from the self but, later in life, totally one with each and every other “self” in God’s creation. May we continue to breathe with you a peace that passes understanding. May each breath be filled with a sense of breathing God in and breathing out a blessing.
Happy news for the Jenkins family: Lisa, nearly 30 years old, just arrived from Afghanistan, safe and sound, for a home visit of about three weeks!!!
Dear Ann, I am so glad you now have hospice. They are wonderful. They can help with the pain and the needs of the body and your spirit can soar. I am ever grateful that you made it to our reunion with such capability and dedication. I can hardly believe how well you functioned with the pain you must have been enduring. You are ever in my heart. I love you.
Thank you, Ann! You have been a gift to me! You have a wonderful spirit and spunkiness and courage that are worth emulating. I would hope to be able to handle any travails with as much grace as you have experienced yours!
Love you, Betty
Dear Ann,
Thank you for opening your window to let us hear your strong spirit and what it has to say. THinking of you with love and sending warm, gentle hugs. Hope you have something nice and soft to cover you as you rest in the Lazy Boy.
As our boy turned 9 recently, I cannot tell you again how grateful I am you stopped by in the first month of his life with a reminder to appreciate the preciousness of his life. How fleeting the time is and how precious the noticing of another really is…and how essential to our feeling okay about ourselves in this life.
Love and blessings,
Leslie