The beginning of a new path was determined yesterday.  After waiting for the oncologist meeting, and another long wait to see if my biopsy sample contained a match for a DNA mutation, I learned yesterday that I did not test positive, which would have allowed me to take a pill a day.  🙁   So I won’t be getting teenage acne, the major side effect!  It would have been the best way to go and, naturally, I am disappointed as are Karen and David.  It’s hard to take in and yet I’ve been living on the edge of this possibility for weeks.  On the morning of March 22 I  learned that my lung cancer had spread to the spine.  I now had metastatic lung cancer for which there is no cure. That night I wrote in my journal:  “March 22, 2013  Friday.  The day I learned to face dying (underlined). Well, I’ve taught courses on it but have never been punched in the gut with it before.” And I went on to describe where I was when the news came.  Today was the end of waiting for a very hopeful treatment.   It’s a terrible shock, obviously, but I must now move on to the next stage which is chemo.  I see the oncologist, whom I like very much, next Thursday.  Chemo will probably begin the following Monday…. or I may wait till the beginning of May after my responsibilities for the weekend retreat plus  the cathedral presentation on Sound and Silence (Tibetan bowls) are behind me.
Radiation is only given for pain (in metastatic lung cancer to spine, i.e. when my bones shout out!)  I learned that the hip/leg pain in the soft tissues is actually referred pain from the cancer in my femur.  🙁   So far I am managing on a simple Tylenol with lots of stronger backups available should I need them.  I continue to play pickleball and began tennis last Monday.  Although I played poorly after 2-3 years off the court, it was invigorating.  Discovered that my racquet handle cover has deteriorated much like me!
I look forward to connecting with many of you but will postpone responding until all is prepared for the retreat and the cathedral.  I’m sure you understand.  I’ve found it very difficult to stay concentrated these past weeks, easily succumbing to distractions…. a common trait related to my tendency to procrastinate.  🙂  I also confess to finding it easy to fall asleep in any chair, even computer chair (!), a practice I used to observe only at the dining room table after dinner.
Thanks to David I now have a website.  I have LOTS to learn.  I’ll begin to post news as soon as I get the hang of it.   It is: http://annkulp.org/
My theme is the Hummingbird, a favorite bird and totem for me.  More about that once I get started.  If you want to receive an e-mail notice when a posting occurs, there will be a place on the site (right side) where you can subscribe.
Many, many thanks to everyone for the floods of continuing support in the midst of sudden change.  I can’t believe all this has occurred within a mere 8 week period.  Your prayers are coveted.  And for those to whom the word “prayer” conjures up some ritualistic formula and resistance, let me say that I subscribe to the belief that every thought is a prayer. Forget the words!  Think – feel – see in your mind’s eye – image love, peace, all good!  Which language would the Divine choose?!  Funny, isn’t it?  My prayer is that I can continue to live life to the fullest, whatever and however it turns out to be.  Please, I’m not being morbid! It could be ? months or years and who knows what the medical field will come up with, given the proliferation of new drugs? – or some surprise miracle with all the support and prayers I’ve been graced with?   God is good!  The Holy One – think the highest kind of Love and Power you can imagine  –  accompanies me on this journey.  I live in hope and appreciation for so much, despite the blow. I’m sure there will be highs and lows, and very lows; I’m not unrealistic.  But, dear God, please let me finish cleaning out all the boxes and files, plus photos of every sort, plus collection of saved clippings, plus the unsorted bins at the PA house …. You know how many years I’ve talked about doing it!  🙂
In the meantime, you have this website where I’ll try to share some of my favorite resources as well as tidbits from life’s saga.  Feel free to send some to me too!  I love you all!